It is only Monday, but I am emotionally already done. I just feel drained, and tired, and sad. I have to work tonight as well. It's like I keep looking forward to something in the future, but that does nothing. I only waste away my time.
My dayjob is a HUGE improvement from my old one, but at the same time, this is still not what I want to be doing. What do I want to do? I have no freakin' idea, but this doesn't satisfy me or motivate me.
I need to continue exercising and stop eating crap again. Seems like every day I don't have any lunch prepared, so I end up either having barely anything, or buying stuff I shouldn't be eating all the time. Last week I had too many smile cookies from Tim Horton's... and 2 french vanillas, and a bottle of peach drink. I barely EVER drink anything outside of water, and occasionally milk. My face has been breaking out really bad for most of this year, and I blame it on working at McDonald's, eating crap (lately), and always resting my chin/face on my hand. Arr. Consciously trying not to do that anymore, but not the easiest when it is a habit and you are not overly stimulated at work.
I feel bad because I feel like I need a break, but at the same time, I think I shouldn't feel that way. Maybe all my lost weekends are contributing to that feeling? I've barely been out home all summer, and when I was, it was only for a short time. Yes, sometimes I elected to stay in town, but the majority of the time, I just didn't have time to go out, or it wasn't worth it to go out for less than 24hrs.
I wouldn't exactly say I am unhappy, but my life seems to be lacking happiness on the day to day. I know my anxiety and my mind running on max all the time don't help, but still. I actually wonder sometimes if I don't allow myself to be happy? For some reason, maybe associated with my past. Sometimes I feel cynical.
Monday, 30 September 2013
Thursday, 19 September 2013
Emotions are stirring and resurfacing
So I had some emotions stir up yesterday. Part in due to a comment made yesterday, and the fact that a friend of mine recently celebrated her 10 year Anniversary of disclosing her abuse. This started bringing up thoughts and emotions again of how I do not have the freedom to talk about my experience, etc because it is still denied by my abuser, and his family. There are few people I can talk to about it, and I am forever surrounded by a sense of guilt, shame, and fear of confrontation by my abuser's family. I can't really fully heal as long as I have this guilt, shame, and fear.
Yesterday a comment was made to me that "I know what you're going through, well I don't understand why you are going through it, but I understand where I'm coming from" and that started stirring up emotions. This person knows I suffered some abuse when I was a child, but beyond that I don't think they know of what nature it was, etc. So this made me think to possibly tell hubby that he can disclose more to them, as I wouldn't really be able to bring myself to talk about it. This just further brought up emotions as I would love to be able to tell them about what happened, to share, and to give some reasoning as to why I suffer from OCD, etc, but it isn't that easy, and it breaks my heart. I wish I never had so much shame, fear, and guilt, and didn't have to censor what I say for fear it gets back to the family and shit gets stirred up.
It has been 17 years since my abuse was first brought to the police, 17 years since they police deemed it "not enough evidence" and 17 years I have had to mind what I say for fear of further disturbing my own peace. When none of it is my fault, and I should be able to say what I want, and talk about it if I want, and share my story if I want without fear of being confronted, and denied again.
So emotions are stirring again.
The Miles for Smiles stirred up a lot of emotions months ago.We'll see what happens when I attend the walk tomorrow night against Sexual Violence. My experience wasn't particularly violent, but I still suffered.
Yesterday a comment was made to me that "I know what you're going through, well I don't understand why you are going through it, but I understand where I'm coming from" and that started stirring up emotions. This person knows I suffered some abuse when I was a child, but beyond that I don't think they know of what nature it was, etc. So this made me think to possibly tell hubby that he can disclose more to them, as I wouldn't really be able to bring myself to talk about it. This just further brought up emotions as I would love to be able to tell them about what happened, to share, and to give some reasoning as to why I suffer from OCD, etc, but it isn't that easy, and it breaks my heart. I wish I never had so much shame, fear, and guilt, and didn't have to censor what I say for fear it gets back to the family and shit gets stirred up.
It has been 17 years since my abuse was first brought to the police, 17 years since they police deemed it "not enough evidence" and 17 years I have had to mind what I say for fear of further disturbing my own peace. When none of it is my fault, and I should be able to say what I want, and talk about it if I want, and share my story if I want without fear of being confronted, and denied again.
So emotions are stirring again.
The Miles for Smiles stirred up a lot of emotions months ago.We'll see what happens when I attend the walk tomorrow night against Sexual Violence. My experience wasn't particularly violent, but I still suffered.
Monday, 16 September 2013
Sept 16
In a weird mood today. Woke up hungry today, probably because I had been sick at work last night. I was craving a good hot breakfast - eggs, bacon. But the bacon was left at Darrin's place and I never really had time to make eggs. No bread left either, so I couldn't have toast, and there was only one pack of oatmeal left. Only had a piece of left over steak for dinner - went to the UC to get something else, although I couldn't think of anything there I wanted. So I ended up getting plain white rice. Just not really in the mood for anything take-out. Just want real food.
I dunno, I'm just in a weird mood. Was really sleepy this morning, and cold. Now I just feel down. I ate my rice out in the sunshine so at least I saw some sun and had the wind blowing in my hair. Makes me just want to lie down out in the sun, or set up my hammock and just relax outside. But I can't right now.
I hope this week isn't like this. It is only Monday. Maybe part of the reason I'm down is because I know I'm busy almost every evening this week until Friday. And then still have things that I need to do over the weekend.
I was out home on Saturday, but for only 3.5 hours. Played at a wedding, then visited my brother, sister-in-law and nephew; my grandmother; and briefly my dad. Then I had to boot it back to town. It was nice to see all of them, but I wish I had more time.
Just blah.
I dunno, I'm just in a weird mood. Was really sleepy this morning, and cold. Now I just feel down. I ate my rice out in the sunshine so at least I saw some sun and had the wind blowing in my hair. Makes me just want to lie down out in the sun, or set up my hammock and just relax outside. But I can't right now.
I hope this week isn't like this. It is only Monday. Maybe part of the reason I'm down is because I know I'm busy almost every evening this week until Friday. And then still have things that I need to do over the weekend.
I was out home on Saturday, but for only 3.5 hours. Played at a wedding, then visited my brother, sister-in-law and nephew; my grandmother; and briefly my dad. Then I had to boot it back to town. It was nice to see all of them, but I wish I had more time.
Just blah.
Monday, 26 August 2013
short update
It has been quite a while since I've posted here. Started a new job on August 12th. Loving it so far. Love my office, my coworkers are great, and it is nice to feel comfortable in my surroundings again... well really for the first time. Great to not be afraid of everything around you. Definitely helps with my daily stress.
Joining The Works tomorrow to get back into some physical activity. Haven't done much lately, and that has caused a couple pounds to creep up on me again. Hopefully some activity will kill them as quickly as the crept up on me. A lot of my coworkers go there daily at lunch, so that will help get my ass up and going.
Still working second job. Only 2 shifts per week now. Will keep it up for as long as I can and for as long as we need it financially. We are in the process of chucking out some money upgrading our apartment to get it up for rent again. Then things will get better once we have that income back again and increased from before. I do miss my freedom on the weekends. Thankfully I am not closing Sunday nights anymore, and I get to open or work the day instead, but still stints my weekend plans, especially when I also have been working almost every Friday night close.
Looking forward to this long weekend. Wedding and hubby's birthday on Saturday, friends and family the rest of the weekend, and no work!
Joining The Works tomorrow to get back into some physical activity. Haven't done much lately, and that has caused a couple pounds to creep up on me again. Hopefully some activity will kill them as quickly as the crept up on me. A lot of my coworkers go there daily at lunch, so that will help get my ass up and going.
Still working second job. Only 2 shifts per week now. Will keep it up for as long as I can and for as long as we need it financially. We are in the process of chucking out some money upgrading our apartment to get it up for rent again. Then things will get better once we have that income back again and increased from before. I do miss my freedom on the weekends. Thankfully I am not closing Sunday nights anymore, and I get to open or work the day instead, but still stints my weekend plans, especially when I also have been working almost every Friday night close.
Looking forward to this long weekend. Wedding and hubby's birthday on Saturday, friends and family the rest of the weekend, and no work!
Thursday, 18 July 2013
state of affairs
I don't even know what to write. I work to much. I've become mostly numb to emotions and life. I'm stressed.
Vacay booked for November, and new job starting in two weeks, but I'm not even excited. I'm too preoccupied with other things and stressed when it comes to money, life, etc. Losing our tenant at the end of the month so we'll be out money for a month, plus need to pay back damage deposit, and we have some upgrades to do before re-renting it, so more money. It'll all work out once we raise rent, but it is all a lot of expenses at one time.
Other than that I'm feeling just drained. I know hubby is too. I hate how we see each other less due to our schedules and it is affecting our relationship.
I am cutting back my second job hours in September. I agreed to continue for August, but cut back to two a week in September. Many nights I question why I am even working a second job, but financially we need it right now. I can only imagine the state we'd be in with recent expenditures if I wasn't bringing in extra money for the past 4 monthss
On top of all this we are trying to eat better/cleaner, and exercise. But with my already limited time it can be hard at times. When we are hungry and haven't prepared anything it is so easy to want to grab take out or restaurant food. And unfortunately, everything "bad"/not clean is cheap, and the things that are cleaner are expensive, which loops back to the financial stresses.
Messed up dreams last night too. Part of it was that the quilt my godmother made me when I was 2 or 3 got torn, and sewn back together poorly. My parents and brother had hidden it from me because they didn't want to tell me, but I found it and the top was missing, then found it sewn on really poorly. I was irate and devastated, but no one understood. My parents only got pissed off at me for being so upset and mad. I was crying, bawling, and screaming. Absolute devastation.
Coincidentally enough, anger is one of the few emotions I don't block out or become completely numb too. Now I may be numb for a while to why I am angry, but one of the few emotions I often sense,
Vacay booked for November, and new job starting in two weeks, but I'm not even excited. I'm too preoccupied with other things and stressed when it comes to money, life, etc. Losing our tenant at the end of the month so we'll be out money for a month, plus need to pay back damage deposit, and we have some upgrades to do before re-renting it, so more money. It'll all work out once we raise rent, but it is all a lot of expenses at one time.
Other than that I'm feeling just drained. I know hubby is too. I hate how we see each other less due to our schedules and it is affecting our relationship.
I am cutting back my second job hours in September. I agreed to continue for August, but cut back to two a week in September. Many nights I question why I am even working a second job, but financially we need it right now. I can only imagine the state we'd be in with recent expenditures if I wasn't bringing in extra money for the past 4 monthss
On top of all this we are trying to eat better/cleaner, and exercise. But with my already limited time it can be hard at times. When we are hungry and haven't prepared anything it is so easy to want to grab take out or restaurant food. And unfortunately, everything "bad"/not clean is cheap, and the things that are cleaner are expensive, which loops back to the financial stresses.
Messed up dreams last night too. Part of it was that the quilt my godmother made me when I was 2 or 3 got torn, and sewn back together poorly. My parents and brother had hidden it from me because they didn't want to tell me, but I found it and the top was missing, then found it sewn on really poorly. I was irate and devastated, but no one understood. My parents only got pissed off at me for being so upset and mad. I was crying, bawling, and screaming. Absolute devastation.
Coincidentally enough, anger is one of the few emotions I don't block out or become completely numb too. Now I may be numb for a while to why I am angry, but one of the few emotions I often sense,
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
From Thursday
So working closes is starting to affect my sleep pattern. which sucks. I was off last night and was reading until 3am without falling asleep - which usually happens when reading - then had trouble getting to sleep after then, even though I was tired. I have to work tonight, so I'm losing sleep again tonight regardless. I've thought about taking tomorrow off, but I don't really want to use one of my holidays, plus I probably need to be here for some reason. I am some glad I'm off from 2nd job until Tuesday after tonight.
In happier news, we have purchased our fire pit, and the yard is half dug out for it. It would be ready for it now, only it has rained all week. Hopefully we can finish it for a fire sometime this long weekend.
In happier news, we have purchased our fire pit, and the yard is half dug out for it. It would be ready for it now, only it has rained all week. Hopefully we can finish it for a fire sometime this long weekend.
Thursday, 20 June 2013
exhausted
I think I may be starting to burn out a little. I'm starting to hate going to my second job, especially the weekend shifts because I don't get a good break anymore. Maybe my schedule next month will be nicer with less Friday nights. Really didn't want to be there last night, but I was fine. However, people who don't want to do their damn jobs piss me off. Asking them to do something is like it is a chore, and not their job. Then taking longer on your break because you "had to poop", yet not even breaking back in when you come back. Then asking me if you can have a "quick" smoke break later, when you already too more than your alloted break time. I shouldn't be so nice to them.
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