too much

I need to give up this two job bullshit. It's slowly destroying me. My hands are 10x worse after I work a shift, I haven't had a chance to read at night all week because I'm either doing other stuff catching up, already up too late, or worked late. I feel like I have no relaxation time. Every week I get one day off per week. I know it could be worse, I know there are people that work 2 or 3 jobs and never have days off, but it isn't really working for me. Throw two jobs on top of OCD, and anxiety, and some seriously unsettled things in my life, and it doesn't pan out well.

But I need to keep working the second job... or I should because we need that extra little financial help. Expenses seem to come from every direction, and there's always something.

I just want a break. I want to curl up in my old bedroom at my parents' house and not have to think or care about anything. To just feel safe and secure and worry free. I don't want to have to worry about money, or work, or having to work at such and such a time, or having to do this, that and the other. Some freedom from feeling rushed in every aspect of my life. Only so much time to do this, only free night this week, need to do laundry, have to work Sunday morning, etc, etc, etc, etc. All limitations.

I know things could be worse, but that still doesn't make them any better. It is still shitty. I'm still stressed, I still want a break, and I still envy any one that doesn't have to worry about as many things as I do. Now I'm thankful that I'm not someone who doesn't worry or be concerned, when they should, but I take everything to the next level and over-worry, over-stress, over-think.

drained

Physically, emotionally, and mentally drained today. Christmas did not really provide any relief - and the extra three days of no work did not either due to our tap leaking into our basement apartment, continued puppy training efforts, work at 2nd job, laundry piled up from power being gone, washing machine breaking, and chucking out $530 for tires and a battery for my car. And some light insomnia to that too. Peck peck peck. Can't' really get ahead. I know we are blessed and that there are people in worse shape than us, but it is frustrating when all kinds of expenses keep coming up and you can't get ahead. We want children, but I don't understand how people afford them? I know people around my age that don't seems as settled in careers, houses, etc, yet they have kids - and seem to do well - and we would struggle if we had one now. I can't wrap my mind around it. It is frustrating.

Christmas break was also a time of mixed emotions. Was feeling generally down and sad, and was very emotional on my birthday. Partially because I turned 25 - and there are  a lot of things I wish were sorted out (mentally for one) - my emotions were already running high, my doctor increased my meds which are contributing to weight gain, and just overall unhappiness.

Had the anticipated conversation at work about my lateness/unpredictable schedule. Always happens once I get so far into a job. Stress takes over, motivation is gone, and I sink back into the same shit. They understand where I'm coming from with my anxiety, etc and are very understanding, but I still hate that the situation happens.

I feel like I'm edging closer to the point of not being able to function "normally". Emotionally and mentally things just keep getting worse, or remain stagnant which slowly drains the life out of you.

Out of time to write for now, but it is a start. Really need to start journaling again.

hands

My hands are the worst they have been in a long time. I'll say this every now and then, but they truly are pretty darn bad now. My OCD is running at high, even though I don't "feel" it being so bad, but my hands speak a different story. 

I don't know what is making me like this now.

oct 16

Not a great day. OCD has been bad lately, hands were cracked and bleeding the weekend. Still very dry now. Got confronted yesterday with my fear of cat poop when my new tenant(my friend)'s cat stepped in their own poop and dragged some across the floor then walked around before he took her to clean her feet. He cleaned up the floor with Lysol wipes, and cleaned her foot, but I'm still fearful concentrating on the fact that the cat walked around for a bit before we realized she had it still on her foot - especially walking on his area rug.  I coped fairly well last night, but I am still holding high anxiety about it. I was dreaming last night about cleaning the apartment and his area rug in the living room.

So now me thinking about why I feel this way, etc has gotten me on to thinking about my past abuse. And here is where I stand now. Just feeling crummy.

Not sure if I'm going to go to the gym or not. I had planned on it, but forgot my sports bra or another bra, so if I do go, I'm going to feel gross afterwards. So I'm not sure what I'm doing. Although lifting some weights and stuff would probably be good for me.

september is gone

It is only Monday, but I am emotionally already done. I just feel drained, and tired, and sad. I have to work tonight as well. It's like I keep looking forward to something in the future, but that does nothing. I only waste away my time.

My dayjob is a HUGE improvement from my old one, but at the same time, this is still not what I want to be doing. What do I want to do? I have no freakin' idea, but this doesn't satisfy me or motivate me.

I need to continue exercising and stop eating crap again. Seems like every day I don't have any lunch prepared, so I end up either having barely anything, or buying stuff I shouldn't be eating all the time. Last week I had too many smile cookies from Tim Horton's... and 2 french vanillas, and a bottle of peach drink. I barely EVER drink anything outside of water, and occasionally milk. My face has been breaking out really bad for most of this year, and I blame it on working at McDonald's, eating crap (lately), and always resting my chin/face on my hand. Arr. Consciously trying not to do that anymore, but not the easiest when it is a habit and you are not overly stimulated at work.

I feel bad because I feel like I need a break, but at the same time, I think I shouldn't feel that way. Maybe all my lost weekends are contributing to that feeling? I've barely been out home all summer, and when I was, it was only for a short time. Yes, sometimes I elected to stay in town, but the majority of the time, I just didn't have time to go out, or it wasn't worth it to go out for less than 24hrs.

I wouldn't exactly say I am unhappy, but my life seems to be lacking happiness on the day to day. I know my anxiety and my mind running on max all the time don't help, but still. I actually wonder sometimes if I don't allow myself to be happy? For some reason, maybe associated with my past. Sometimes I feel cynical.

Emotions are stirring and resurfacing

So I had some emotions stir up yesterday. Part in due to a comment made yesterday, and the fact that a friend of mine recently celebrated her 10 year Anniversary of disclosing her abuse. This started bringing up thoughts and emotions again of how I do not have the freedom to talk about my experience, etc because it is still denied by my abuser, and his family. There are few people I can talk to about it, and I am forever surrounded by a sense of guilt, shame, and fear of confrontation by my abuser's family. I can't really fully heal as long as I have this guilt, shame, and fear.

Yesterday a comment was made to me that "I know what you're going through, well I don't understand why you are going through it, but I understand where I'm coming from" and that started stirring up emotions. This person knows I suffered some abuse when I was a child, but beyond that I don't think they know of what nature it was, etc. So this made me think to possibly tell hubby that he can disclose more to them, as I wouldn't really be able to bring myself to talk about it. This just further brought up emotions as I would love to be able to tell them about what happened, to share, and to give some reasoning as to why I suffer from OCD, etc, but it isn't that easy, and it breaks my heart. I wish I never had so much shame, fear, and guilt, and didn't have to censor what I say for fear it gets back to the family and shit gets stirred up.

It has been 17 years since my abuse was first brought to the police, 17 years since they police deemed it "not enough evidence" and 17 years I have had to mind what I say for fear of further disturbing my own peace. When none of it is my fault, and I should be able to say what I want, and talk about it if I want, and share my story if I want without fear of being confronted, and denied again.

So emotions are stirring again.

The Miles for Smiles stirred up a lot of emotions months ago.We'll see what happens when I attend the walk tomorrow night against Sexual Violence. My experience wasn't particularly violent, but I still suffered.

Sept 16

In a weird mood today. Woke up hungry today, probably because I had been sick at work last night. I was craving a good hot breakfast - eggs, bacon. But the bacon was left at Darrin's place and I never really had time to make eggs. No bread left either, so I couldn't have toast, and there was only one pack of oatmeal left. Only had a piece of left over steak for dinner - went to the UC to get something else, although I couldn't think of anything there I wanted. So I ended up getting plain white rice. Just not really in the mood for anything take-out. Just want real food.

I dunno, I'm just in a weird mood. Was really sleepy this morning, and cold. Now I just feel down. I ate my rice out in the sunshine so at least I saw some sun and had the wind blowing in my hair. Makes me just want to lie down out in the sun, or set up my hammock and just relax outside. But I can't right now.

I hope this week isn't like this. It is only Monday. Maybe part of the reason I'm down is because I know I'm busy almost every evening this week until Friday. And then still have things that I need to do over the weekend.

I was out home on Saturday, but for only 3.5 hours. Played at a wedding, then visited my brother, sister-in-law and nephew; my grandmother; and briefly my dad. Then I had to boot it back to town. It was nice to see all of them, but I wish I had more time.

Just blah.