state of affairs

I don't even know what to write. I work to much. I've become mostly numb to emotions and life. I'm stressed.

Vacay booked for November, and new job starting in two weeks, but I'm not even excited. I'm too preoccupied with other things and stressed when it comes to money, life, etc. Losing our tenant at the end of the month so we'll be out money for a month, plus need to pay back damage deposit, and we have some upgrades to do before re-renting it, so more money. It'll all work out once we raise rent, but it is all a lot of expenses at one time.

Other than that I'm feeling just drained. I know hubby is too. I hate how we see each other less due to our schedules and it is affecting our relationship.

I am cutting back my second job hours in September. I agreed to continue for August, but cut back to two a week in September. Many nights I question why I am even working a second job, but financially we need it right now. I can only imagine the state we'd be in with recent expenditures if I wasn't bringing in extra money for the past 4 monthss

On top of all this we are trying to eat better/cleaner, and exercise. But with my already limited time it can be hard at times. When we are hungry and haven't prepared anything it is so easy to want to grab take out or restaurant food. And unfortunately, everything "bad"/not clean is cheap, and the things that are cleaner are expensive, which loops back to the financial stresses.

Messed up dreams last night too. Part of it was that the quilt my godmother made me when I was 2 or 3 got torn, and sewn back together poorly. My parents and brother had hidden it from me because they didn't want to tell me, but I found it and the top was missing, then found it sewn on really poorly. I was irate and devastated, but no one understood. My parents only got pissed off at me for being so upset and mad. I was crying, bawling, and screaming. Absolute devastation.

Coincidentally enough, anger is one of the few emotions I don't block out or become completely numb too. Now I may be numb for a while to why I am angry, but one of the few emotions I often sense,

From Thursday

So working closes is starting to affect my sleep pattern. which sucks. I was off last night and was reading until 3am without falling asleep - which usually happens when reading - then had trouble getting to sleep after then, even though I was tired. I have to work tonight, so I'm losing sleep again tonight regardless. I've thought about taking tomorrow off, but I don't really want to use one of my holidays, plus I probably need to be here for some reason. I am some glad I'm off from 2nd job until Tuesday after tonight.

In happier news, we have purchased our fire pit, and the yard is half dug out for it. It would be ready for it now, only it has rained all week. Hopefully we can finish it for a fire sometime this long weekend.