Creeping in

So it is my third week back to work and already the old routine/habits are creeping in. Getting up later, getting to work later, loathing coming here each day, and not wanting to do anything after work. Don't want to go to the gym (the heat has been a factor as well), don't want to go to Costco or get groceries, barely want to go swimming, or for a walk, or to the park. Back to pretty much living for the weekends and stumbling through the week enough to survive.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

My OCD has gotten worse too, or at least my arms have. I don't wash too many times here at work, but the soap is harsh and I am often uncomfortable. I hope Ebola doesn't make it to Canada for I fear I'll spiral into uncontrollable fear for my life. I can see myself being utterly terrified, and it scares me.

I've applied to two jobs lately where I have heard something back about my application: The Little Gym and Aramark. Aramark is for a management type role and The Little Gym is as a Full Time Instructor.

The Littler Gym job would be a dream. Words cannot express how much I am excited for this opportunity and how much I want it. It would also work perfectly for me wanting to get into Social Work - perfect for the required work/volunteer hours. I hope I hear something back about it soon, as I"m losing steam now. The Aramark Job I am not 100% sold on. It will depend on numerous factors whether I accept if I am offered a job.

I feel so drained, and it is only Tuesday and I had lots of rest the weekend. Praying for Regatta day holiday tomorrow and hoping to take Friday off to go home.

returning to work

I return to work on Monday and I'm dreading dreading it. First thing Monday morning I need to meet with my manager and HR advisor... I don't want to have to talk about being off, expectations, etc. I don't want people asking me how I'm doing. I don't want to be there period, but I don't have a choice at this point, so all I want to do is punch in my hours, do my work, and come home.

Hopefully the 2 jobs I applied for this week may yield something.

Ugh. I really hope that this doesn't ruin my weekend.

Overdue Update

Brief update. Been off work for past 8 weeks I think. Things have been up and down. Good days and bad. Accomplished a few things, made some plans and am feeling a bit better. Far from perfect, but I anticipate that I will be returning to work on Tuesday. Indifferent to that at this point. I'll truck on through until my contract is up and/or I find another job.

Plan has been made that I am applying to Social Work in March. I have 4 courses to do between now and then, one of which I am doing now. Aced the midterm so I hope to get out with a good final mark. Also need to do 300 hoursvof volunteering work between now and then, which is where my worrying begins. But I'll try not to focus on that too much. I should be starting volunteering at RMHNL soon so that'll be a start.

During this time hubby was also off work due to stomach issues. After medicines and tests we have confirmed his suspected diagnosis of IBS and are working to control it better. He returned to work but is now off again coping with some stress. Last few months have been hard for us but hopefully things continue to improve.

Synopsis of my Week

Here is a brief synopsis of my week taken from what I sent my friend when he asked what was wrong after telling him I was crying last night.

"Long story short I've punched a rough week emotionally and mentally since the walk last Sunday.

So a culmination of all my emotions associated with the abuse I suffered as a child, and how it was never resolved (the perpetrator's family denied it, and the police deemed it not enough evidence so my parents were on their own if they wanted to take it to court, which we never), how that has ultimately affected pretty much every aspect of my life because it caused my ocd and all the other issues I've faced. So add to that talking to my uncle the other night and him telling me how he thought I was having a tough time and how he is always thinking about me and praying for me, which made me cry, then going to church yesterday which made me cry especially when I had people hugging me after telling me they were glad to see me, and then I went to see my Nan yesterday and I cried the whole time there (which she probably didn't noticed because her eyes are bad) in a combination of how much it breaks my heart that she is lonely up in the home for the first time in her 92 year old life, and how much I love and appreciate her and can't imagine life without her around. Health-wise she didn't really seem any different, but I'm just more aware of exactly how frail she is compared to what she was even a year ago. Then last night I pretty much cried myself to sleep from all the feels. Yesterday I barely ate anything as I had no appetite, which is saying something, especially when cookie dough didn't even really appeal to me. haha

I appreciate you asking what is wrong. Nice to know that people actually care.

Today is okay so far, but my head is splitting as I likely have myself dehydrated from crying so much."



I know sometimes people don't know what to say, especially when people are dealing with some issues emotionally, and based on the subject matter of some of those issue, but I truly appreciate when people ask how I am and are willing to listen. It means a lot to know that your friends and those around you care. It truly makes the difference when you are feeling so alone in your own feelings and thoughts.

Yesterday

Yesterday was the second annual Miles for Smiles walk raising awareness of child abuse. Despite the lack of media coverage and presence, from what I experienced, have seen, and read, it was a success.

I didn't stay too late at the walk myself, partially because the whole day causes me some emotional turmoil still. The whole day is inspirational, but I still can't help but feel lost and defeated when I reflect on my own experiences. I'm envious sometimes of the success that other survivors have had. This is not to diminish the hurt, pain, and struggles they've faced, I just hope that someday I'll be a success like them.

I invited some friends and people I know to the walk, and took that opportunity to share with some people that I am a survivor of child abuse. Initially sending that text to the 20 or so people I sent it to was heartening and uplifting. I was sharing with people, and some more close friends now were aware that I had endured abuse in my childhood. I was hoping this would open the doors for me to share more with those close to me, helping my healing process. Hopefully this will happen. 

The sad thing, is I only had 3 people even respond to my invite. One to ask more information; another to apologize that they couldn't make it, but asked if there was some other way they could support me; and a third today to ask me how the walk went. That was it. Out of over 20 people, only three people graced me with a response. I know the subject is uncomfortable to people, and I know people sometimes don't know what to say, and this may be why people don't respond. I know if someone sent me a message to me like that I would not know what to say, but I'd say something. Even a "wow I didn't know". I know from my own experience now that I would respond, because that response is important. Silence is worse than any harm that you could think your words could do.

I felt very alone yesterday. My husband was unable to attend due to being sick, so it was just me and our puppy. I saw some familiar friendly faces, but I still felt alone. Alone, dis-attached, and hurt. Hurt from the abuse I suffered, and hurt from how alone I felt. The rest of the day was spent emotionally numb, and still today. I feel like I'm at the edge of one of these "emotional breaks" I sometimes experience for no apparent reason. The crying sucks, but being able to actually feel your feelings is comforting, even amongst the pain and sadness.

I see my therapist tomorrow and that day cannot come soon enough. Today I half feel dead. I'm just numb and raw.

April Update

So I finally gave up the two job bullshit. It was too much. Sure the extra money was great but it was too damaging to my health - both emotionally/mentally and physically to my poor hands that were destroyed from washing them so much. I fully appreciate my Sundays now and each one is still special to have.

Healthwise - physically I am trying to get back in a better place. I have 20 pounds on since August - 35 since I was into heavyweights - and I need to get that back off. I know I am far from huge, but I have become uncomfortable in my own skin: my clothes don't fit - even stuff I bought in November. I've felt bloated, unfamiliar to myself in the mirror, etc. I've been back to working out and working with my trainer again for 3 and a half weeks, but sadly the scale has only went up. I'm trying not to focus on it now as I know I can get healthier and fitter, without the scale moving. I'm trying to increase the amount of cardio I am doing - mostly in the form of walks, and circuits with my trainer - to try to get the weight to come off. Thankfully today I felt my pants that had become tight, fit a little better, so I'll take it, and keep hoping for improvements. If I can get enough weight off, I may plan for the NLABBA show in November - something I've wanted to do, but was not in a place to do body wise last fall. I'll see how my training goes now, and will adjust it and my goals based on how my efforts go.

Mentally/emotionally - I've been up and down. Generally I'm at a state of regular "indifference" I would call it. Not happy, not sad, just existing. Weekends are a little better as I am able to see friends and family and that helps distract me some from my every day stresses. I still don't enjoy my job, and still have questions about my future career paths, so this usually looms over me, but thank God for the weekends, especially my newly recovered Sundays. I have my rough days - the days I cry and sometimes don't know why, or the days my anxiety hits its peak, or the OCD is going wild - and as rough as these days can be, I appreciate them because they are a sign of me actually feeling my emotions. Last Tuesday was one of those days. I met with my therapist and as I was defending my OCD tendencies I started to break. I got upset over something that wouldn't usually bother me, but obviously there were other things going to in the background in my mind. I had my cry, but pulled myself back together and returned to work. Spoke to my parents that night briefly that night about it, but by then I was feeling "better"/not feeling as emotional, so everything was shoved back to the back of my mind.

Today I had a good session with one of my therapists. We talked not about the abuse specifically, but about the whole circumstances regarding when I told, how everything proceeded, the lack of resolution, the questions, how my OCD first manifested and proceeded, etc. It was informative to her to help her understand how I have come to the point I am at now in my life. For me, it was helpful just in the fact of being able to talk to someone else about what happened, as my outlets to talk are limited due to having to keep quiet about my abuse as I don't want to cause negative repercussions for myself where the abuse has been denied by my abuser and their family. It is a sad situation to be in, but I am thankful for the outlets I do have. I hope to talk more with my friends in the future. Many know that something happened, but most do not know the details, and I feel that talking about would be therapeutic to me just in knowing the others may be able to understand me and my issues a little better. Perhaps even reassuring in a way of feeling less ashamed of the challenges I face.

Walk the Mile for Smiles is on April 27th - the second annual walk for child abuse awareness. I will be there again, and I know it is going to be an emotional day for me again. I know it it a day of awareness and as much as it is supposed to be a celebration, it took the good out of my last year and left me emotionally raw. It has been playing on my mind for the past month or so in anticipation of the walk, so that has definitely been playing on my emotions. Sadly for me it is not a day of victory yet... but maybe it will be in the future. And I will be there regardless, raising awareness, celebrating the victories of fellow survivors, and hoping for my own day of triumph over the past.

too much

I need to give up this two job bullshit. It's slowly destroying me. My hands are 10x worse after I work a shift, I haven't had a chance to read at night all week because I'm either doing other stuff catching up, already up too late, or worked late. I feel like I have no relaxation time. Every week I get one day off per week. I know it could be worse, I know there are people that work 2 or 3 jobs and never have days off, but it isn't really working for me. Throw two jobs on top of OCD, and anxiety, and some seriously unsettled things in my life, and it doesn't pan out well.

But I need to keep working the second job... or I should because we need that extra little financial help. Expenses seem to come from every direction, and there's always something.

I just want a break. I want to curl up in my old bedroom at my parents' house and not have to think or care about anything. To just feel safe and secure and worry free. I don't want to have to worry about money, or work, or having to work at such and such a time, or having to do this, that and the other. Some freedom from feeling rushed in every aspect of my life. Only so much time to do this, only free night this week, need to do laundry, have to work Sunday morning, etc, etc, etc, etc. All limitations.

I know things could be worse, but that still doesn't make them any better. It is still shitty. I'm still stressed, I still want a break, and I still envy any one that doesn't have to worry about as many things as I do. Now I'm thankful that I'm not someone who doesn't worry or be concerned, when they should, but I take everything to the next level and over-worry, over-stress, over-think.

drained

Physically, emotionally, and mentally drained today. Christmas did not really provide any relief - and the extra three days of no work did not either due to our tap leaking into our basement apartment, continued puppy training efforts, work at 2nd job, laundry piled up from power being gone, washing machine breaking, and chucking out $530 for tires and a battery for my car. And some light insomnia to that too. Peck peck peck. Can't' really get ahead. I know we are blessed and that there are people in worse shape than us, but it is frustrating when all kinds of expenses keep coming up and you can't get ahead. We want children, but I don't understand how people afford them? I know people around my age that don't seems as settled in careers, houses, etc, yet they have kids - and seem to do well - and we would struggle if we had one now. I can't wrap my mind around it. It is frustrating.

Christmas break was also a time of mixed emotions. Was feeling generally down and sad, and was very emotional on my birthday. Partially because I turned 25 - and there are  a lot of things I wish were sorted out (mentally for one) - my emotions were already running high, my doctor increased my meds which are contributing to weight gain, and just overall unhappiness.

Had the anticipated conversation at work about my lateness/unpredictable schedule. Always happens once I get so far into a job. Stress takes over, motivation is gone, and I sink back into the same shit. They understand where I'm coming from with my anxiety, etc and are very understanding, but I still hate that the situation happens.

I feel like I'm edging closer to the point of not being able to function "normally". Emotionally and mentally things just keep getting worse, or remain stagnant which slowly drains the life out of you.

Out of time to write for now, but it is a start. Really need to start journaling again.