Yesterday was the second annual Miles for Smiles walk raising awareness of child abuse. Despite the lack of media coverage and presence, from what I experienced, have seen, and read, it was a success.
I didn't stay too late at the walk myself, partially because the whole day causes me some emotional turmoil still. The whole day is inspirational, but I still can't help but feel lost and defeated when I reflect on my own experiences. I'm envious sometimes of the success that other survivors have had. This is not to diminish the hurt, pain, and struggles they've faced, I just hope that someday I'll be a success like them.
I invited some friends and people I know to the walk, and took that opportunity to share with some people that I am a survivor of child abuse. Initially sending that text to the 20 or so people I sent it to was heartening and uplifting. I was sharing with people, and some more close friends now were aware that I had endured abuse in my childhood. I was hoping this would open the doors for me to share more with those close to me, helping my healing process. Hopefully this will happen.
The sad thing, is I only had 3 people even respond to my invite. One to ask more information; another to apologize that they couldn't make it, but asked if there was some other way they could support me; and a third today to ask me how the walk went. That was it. Out of over 20 people, only three people graced me with a response. I know the subject is uncomfortable to people, and I know people sometimes don't know what to say, and this may be why people don't respond. I know if someone sent me a message to me like that I would not know what to say, but I'd say something. Even a "wow I didn't know". I know from my own experience now that I would respond, because that response is important. Silence is worse than any harm that you could think your words could do.
I felt very alone yesterday. My husband was unable to attend due to being sick, so it was just me and our puppy. I saw some familiar friendly faces, but I still felt alone. Alone, dis-attached, and hurt. Hurt from the abuse I suffered, and hurt from how alone I felt. The rest of the day was spent emotionally numb, and still today. I feel like I'm at the edge of one of these "emotional breaks" I sometimes experience for no apparent reason. The crying sucks, but being able to actually feel your feelings is comforting, even amongst the pain and sadness.
I see my therapist tomorrow and that day cannot come soon enough. Today I half feel dead. I'm just numb and raw.
Monday 28 April 2014
Wednesday 16 April 2014
April Update
So I finally gave up the two job bullshit. It was too much. Sure the extra money was great but it was too damaging to my health - both emotionally/mentally and physically to my poor hands that were destroyed from washing them so much. I fully appreciate my Sundays now and each one is still special to have.
Healthwise - physically I am trying to get back in a better place. I have 20 pounds on since August - 35 since I was into heavyweights - and I need to get that back off. I know I am far from huge, but I have become uncomfortable in my own skin: my clothes don't fit - even stuff I bought in November. I've felt bloated, unfamiliar to myself in the mirror, etc. I've been back to working out and working with my trainer again for 3 and a half weeks, but sadly the scale has only went up. I'm trying not to focus on it now as I know I can get healthier and fitter, without the scale moving. I'm trying to increase the amount of cardio I am doing - mostly in the form of walks, and circuits with my trainer - to try to get the weight to come off. Thankfully today I felt my pants that had become tight, fit a little better, so I'll take it, and keep hoping for improvements. If I can get enough weight off, I may plan for the NLABBA show in November - something I've wanted to do, but was not in a place to do body wise last fall. I'll see how my training goes now, and will adjust it and my goals based on how my efforts go.
Mentally/emotionally - I've been up and down. Generally I'm at a state of regular "indifference" I would call it. Not happy, not sad, just existing. Weekends are a little better as I am able to see friends and family and that helps distract me some from my every day stresses. I still don't enjoy my job, and still have questions about my future career paths, so this usually looms over me, but thank God for the weekends, especially my newly recovered Sundays. I have my rough days - the days I cry and sometimes don't know why, or the days my anxiety hits its peak, or the OCD is going wild - and as rough as these days can be, I appreciate them because they are a sign of me actually feeling my emotions. Last Tuesday was one of those days. I met with my therapist and as I was defending my OCD tendencies I started to break. I got upset over something that wouldn't usually bother me, but obviously there were other things going to in the background in my mind. I had my cry, but pulled myself back together and returned to work. Spoke to my parents that night briefly that night about it, but by then I was feeling "better"/not feeling as emotional, so everything was shoved back to the back of my mind.
Today I had a good session with one of my therapists. We talked not about the abuse specifically, but about the whole circumstances regarding when I told, how everything proceeded, the lack of resolution, the questions, how my OCD first manifested and proceeded, etc. It was informative to her to help her understand how I have come to the point I am at now in my life. For me, it was helpful just in the fact of being able to talk to someone else about what happened, as my outlets to talk are limited due to having to keep quiet about my abuse as I don't want to cause negative repercussions for myself where the abuse has been denied by my abuser and their family. It is a sad situation to be in, but I am thankful for the outlets I do have. I hope to talk more with my friends in the future. Many know that something happened, but most do not know the details, and I feel that talking about would be therapeutic to me just in knowing the others may be able to understand me and my issues a little better. Perhaps even reassuring in a way of feeling less ashamed of the challenges I face.
Walk the Mile for Smiles is on April 27th - the second annual walk for child abuse awareness. I will be there again, and I know it is going to be an emotional day for me again. I know it it a day of awareness and as much as it is supposed to be a celebration, it took the good out of my last year and left me emotionally raw. It has been playing on my mind for the past month or so in anticipation of the walk, so that has definitely been playing on my emotions. Sadly for me it is not a day of victory yet... but maybe it will be in the future. And I will be there regardless, raising awareness, celebrating the victories of fellow survivors, and hoping for my own day of triumph over the past.
Healthwise - physically I am trying to get back in a better place. I have 20 pounds on since August - 35 since I was into heavyweights - and I need to get that back off. I know I am far from huge, but I have become uncomfortable in my own skin: my clothes don't fit - even stuff I bought in November. I've felt bloated, unfamiliar to myself in the mirror, etc. I've been back to working out and working with my trainer again for 3 and a half weeks, but sadly the scale has only went up. I'm trying not to focus on it now as I know I can get healthier and fitter, without the scale moving. I'm trying to increase the amount of cardio I am doing - mostly in the form of walks, and circuits with my trainer - to try to get the weight to come off. Thankfully today I felt my pants that had become tight, fit a little better, so I'll take it, and keep hoping for improvements. If I can get enough weight off, I may plan for the NLABBA show in November - something I've wanted to do, but was not in a place to do body wise last fall. I'll see how my training goes now, and will adjust it and my goals based on how my efforts go.
Mentally/emotionally - I've been up and down. Generally I'm at a state of regular "indifference" I would call it. Not happy, not sad, just existing. Weekends are a little better as I am able to see friends and family and that helps distract me some from my every day stresses. I still don't enjoy my job, and still have questions about my future career paths, so this usually looms over me, but thank God for the weekends, especially my newly recovered Sundays. I have my rough days - the days I cry and sometimes don't know why, or the days my anxiety hits its peak, or the OCD is going wild - and as rough as these days can be, I appreciate them because they are a sign of me actually feeling my emotions. Last Tuesday was one of those days. I met with my therapist and as I was defending my OCD tendencies I started to break. I got upset over something that wouldn't usually bother me, but obviously there were other things going to in the background in my mind. I had my cry, but pulled myself back together and returned to work. Spoke to my parents that night briefly that night about it, but by then I was feeling "better"/not feeling as emotional, so everything was shoved back to the back of my mind.
Today I had a good session with one of my therapists. We talked not about the abuse specifically, but about the whole circumstances regarding when I told, how everything proceeded, the lack of resolution, the questions, how my OCD first manifested and proceeded, etc. It was informative to her to help her understand how I have come to the point I am at now in my life. For me, it was helpful just in the fact of being able to talk to someone else about what happened, as my outlets to talk are limited due to having to keep quiet about my abuse as I don't want to cause negative repercussions for myself where the abuse has been denied by my abuser and their family. It is a sad situation to be in, but I am thankful for the outlets I do have. I hope to talk more with my friends in the future. Many know that something happened, but most do not know the details, and I feel that talking about would be therapeutic to me just in knowing the others may be able to understand me and my issues a little better. Perhaps even reassuring in a way of feeling less ashamed of the challenges I face.
Walk the Mile for Smiles is on April 27th - the second annual walk for child abuse awareness. I will be there again, and I know it is going to be an emotional day for me again. I know it it a day of awareness and as much as it is supposed to be a celebration, it took the good out of my last year and left me emotionally raw. It has been playing on my mind for the past month or so in anticipation of the walk, so that has definitely been playing on my emotions. Sadly for me it is not a day of victory yet... but maybe it will be in the future. And I will be there regardless, raising awareness, celebrating the victories of fellow survivors, and hoping for my own day of triumph over the past.
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