It is only Monday, but I am emotionally already done. I just feel drained, and tired, and sad. I have to work tonight as well. It's like I keep looking forward to something in the future, but that does nothing. I only waste away my time.
My dayjob is a HUGE improvement from my old one, but at the same time, this is still not what I want to be doing. What do I want to do? I have no freakin' idea, but this doesn't satisfy me or motivate me.
I need to continue exercising and stop eating crap again. Seems like every day I don't have any lunch prepared, so I end up either having barely anything, or buying stuff I shouldn't be eating all the time. Last week I had too many smile cookies from Tim Horton's... and 2 french vanillas, and a bottle of peach drink. I barely EVER drink anything outside of water, and occasionally milk. My face has been breaking out really bad for most of this year, and I blame it on working at McDonald's, eating crap (lately), and always resting my chin/face on my hand. Arr. Consciously trying not to do that anymore, but not the easiest when it is a habit and you are not overly stimulated at work.
I feel bad because I feel like I need a break, but at the same time, I think I shouldn't feel that way. Maybe all my lost weekends are contributing to that feeling? I've barely been out home all summer, and when I was, it was only for a short time. Yes, sometimes I elected to stay in town, but the majority of the time, I just didn't have time to go out, or it wasn't worth it to go out for less than 24hrs.
I wouldn't exactly say I am unhappy, but my life seems to be lacking happiness on the day to day. I know my anxiety and my mind running on max all the time don't help, but still. I actually wonder sometimes if I don't allow myself to be happy? For some reason, maybe associated with my past. Sometimes I feel cynical.
Monday 30 September 2013
Thursday 19 September 2013
Emotions are stirring and resurfacing
So I had some emotions stir up yesterday. Part in due to a comment made yesterday, and the fact that a friend of mine recently celebrated her 10 year Anniversary of disclosing her abuse. This started bringing up thoughts and emotions again of how I do not have the freedom to talk about my experience, etc because it is still denied by my abuser, and his family. There are few people I can talk to about it, and I am forever surrounded by a sense of guilt, shame, and fear of confrontation by my abuser's family. I can't really fully heal as long as I have this guilt, shame, and fear.
Yesterday a comment was made to me that "I know what you're going through, well I don't understand why you are going through it, but I understand where I'm coming from" and that started stirring up emotions. This person knows I suffered some abuse when I was a child, but beyond that I don't think they know of what nature it was, etc. So this made me think to possibly tell hubby that he can disclose more to them, as I wouldn't really be able to bring myself to talk about it. This just further brought up emotions as I would love to be able to tell them about what happened, to share, and to give some reasoning as to why I suffer from OCD, etc, but it isn't that easy, and it breaks my heart. I wish I never had so much shame, fear, and guilt, and didn't have to censor what I say for fear it gets back to the family and shit gets stirred up.
It has been 17 years since my abuse was first brought to the police, 17 years since they police deemed it "not enough evidence" and 17 years I have had to mind what I say for fear of further disturbing my own peace. When none of it is my fault, and I should be able to say what I want, and talk about it if I want, and share my story if I want without fear of being confronted, and denied again.
So emotions are stirring again.
The Miles for Smiles stirred up a lot of emotions months ago.We'll see what happens when I attend the walk tomorrow night against Sexual Violence. My experience wasn't particularly violent, but I still suffered.
Yesterday a comment was made to me that "I know what you're going through, well I don't understand why you are going through it, but I understand where I'm coming from" and that started stirring up emotions. This person knows I suffered some abuse when I was a child, but beyond that I don't think they know of what nature it was, etc. So this made me think to possibly tell hubby that he can disclose more to them, as I wouldn't really be able to bring myself to talk about it. This just further brought up emotions as I would love to be able to tell them about what happened, to share, and to give some reasoning as to why I suffer from OCD, etc, but it isn't that easy, and it breaks my heart. I wish I never had so much shame, fear, and guilt, and didn't have to censor what I say for fear it gets back to the family and shit gets stirred up.
It has been 17 years since my abuse was first brought to the police, 17 years since they police deemed it "not enough evidence" and 17 years I have had to mind what I say for fear of further disturbing my own peace. When none of it is my fault, and I should be able to say what I want, and talk about it if I want, and share my story if I want without fear of being confronted, and denied again.
So emotions are stirring again.
The Miles for Smiles stirred up a lot of emotions months ago.We'll see what happens when I attend the walk tomorrow night against Sexual Violence. My experience wasn't particularly violent, but I still suffered.
Monday 16 September 2013
Sept 16
In a weird mood today. Woke up hungry today, probably because I had been sick at work last night. I was craving a good hot breakfast - eggs, bacon. But the bacon was left at Darrin's place and I never really had time to make eggs. No bread left either, so I couldn't have toast, and there was only one pack of oatmeal left. Only had a piece of left over steak for dinner - went to the UC to get something else, although I couldn't think of anything there I wanted. So I ended up getting plain white rice. Just not really in the mood for anything take-out. Just want real food.
I dunno, I'm just in a weird mood. Was really sleepy this morning, and cold. Now I just feel down. I ate my rice out in the sunshine so at least I saw some sun and had the wind blowing in my hair. Makes me just want to lie down out in the sun, or set up my hammock and just relax outside. But I can't right now.
I hope this week isn't like this. It is only Monday. Maybe part of the reason I'm down is because I know I'm busy almost every evening this week until Friday. And then still have things that I need to do over the weekend.
I was out home on Saturday, but for only 3.5 hours. Played at a wedding, then visited my brother, sister-in-law and nephew; my grandmother; and briefly my dad. Then I had to boot it back to town. It was nice to see all of them, but I wish I had more time.
Just blah.
I dunno, I'm just in a weird mood. Was really sleepy this morning, and cold. Now I just feel down. I ate my rice out in the sunshine so at least I saw some sun and had the wind blowing in my hair. Makes me just want to lie down out in the sun, or set up my hammock and just relax outside. But I can't right now.
I hope this week isn't like this. It is only Monday. Maybe part of the reason I'm down is because I know I'm busy almost every evening this week until Friday. And then still have things that I need to do over the weekend.
I was out home on Saturday, but for only 3.5 hours. Played at a wedding, then visited my brother, sister-in-law and nephew; my grandmother; and briefly my dad. Then I had to boot it back to town. It was nice to see all of them, but I wish I had more time.
Just blah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)