september is gone

It is only Monday, but I am emotionally already done. I just feel drained, and tired, and sad. I have to work tonight as well. It's like I keep looking forward to something in the future, but that does nothing. I only waste away my time.

My dayjob is a HUGE improvement from my old one, but at the same time, this is still not what I want to be doing. What do I want to do? I have no freakin' idea, but this doesn't satisfy me or motivate me.

I need to continue exercising and stop eating crap again. Seems like every day I don't have any lunch prepared, so I end up either having barely anything, or buying stuff I shouldn't be eating all the time. Last week I had too many smile cookies from Tim Horton's... and 2 french vanillas, and a bottle of peach drink. I barely EVER drink anything outside of water, and occasionally milk. My face has been breaking out really bad for most of this year, and I blame it on working at McDonald's, eating crap (lately), and always resting my chin/face on my hand. Arr. Consciously trying not to do that anymore, but not the easiest when it is a habit and you are not overly stimulated at work.

I feel bad because I feel like I need a break, but at the same time, I think I shouldn't feel that way. Maybe all my lost weekends are contributing to that feeling? I've barely been out home all summer, and when I was, it was only for a short time. Yes, sometimes I elected to stay in town, but the majority of the time, I just didn't have time to go out, or it wasn't worth it to go out for less than 24hrs.

I wouldn't exactly say I am unhappy, but my life seems to be lacking happiness on the day to day. I know my anxiety and my mind running on max all the time don't help, but still. I actually wonder sometimes if I don't allow myself to be happy? For some reason, maybe associated with my past. Sometimes I feel cynical.