Emotions are stirring and resurfacing

So I had some emotions stir up yesterday. Part in due to a comment made yesterday, and the fact that a friend of mine recently celebrated her 10 year Anniversary of disclosing her abuse. This started bringing up thoughts and emotions again of how I do not have the freedom to talk about my experience, etc because it is still denied by my abuser, and his family. There are few people I can talk to about it, and I am forever surrounded by a sense of guilt, shame, and fear of confrontation by my abuser's family. I can't really fully heal as long as I have this guilt, shame, and fear.

Yesterday a comment was made to me that "I know what you're going through, well I don't understand why you are going through it, but I understand where I'm coming from" and that started stirring up emotions. This person knows I suffered some abuse when I was a child, but beyond that I don't think they know of what nature it was, etc. So this made me think to possibly tell hubby that he can disclose more to them, as I wouldn't really be able to bring myself to talk about it. This just further brought up emotions as I would love to be able to tell them about what happened, to share, and to give some reasoning as to why I suffer from OCD, etc, but it isn't that easy, and it breaks my heart. I wish I never had so much shame, fear, and guilt, and didn't have to censor what I say for fear it gets back to the family and shit gets stirred up.

It has been 17 years since my abuse was first brought to the police, 17 years since they police deemed it "not enough evidence" and 17 years I have had to mind what I say for fear of further disturbing my own peace. When none of it is my fault, and I should be able to say what I want, and talk about it if I want, and share my story if I want without fear of being confronted, and denied again.

So emotions are stirring again.

The Miles for Smiles stirred up a lot of emotions months ago.We'll see what happens when I attend the walk tomorrow night against Sexual Violence. My experience wasn't particularly violent, but I still suffered.