too much

I need to give up this two job bullshit. It's slowly destroying me. My hands are 10x worse after I work a shift, I haven't had a chance to read at night all week because I'm either doing other stuff catching up, already up too late, or worked late. I feel like I have no relaxation time. Every week I get one day off per week. I know it could be worse, I know there are people that work 2 or 3 jobs and never have days off, but it isn't really working for me. Throw two jobs on top of OCD, and anxiety, and some seriously unsettled things in my life, and it doesn't pan out well.

But I need to keep working the second job... or I should because we need that extra little financial help. Expenses seem to come from every direction, and there's always something.

I just want a break. I want to curl up in my old bedroom at my parents' house and not have to think or care about anything. To just feel safe and secure and worry free. I don't want to have to worry about money, or work, or having to work at such and such a time, or having to do this, that and the other. Some freedom from feeling rushed in every aspect of my life. Only so much time to do this, only free night this week, need to do laundry, have to work Sunday morning, etc, etc, etc, etc. All limitations.

I know things could be worse, but that still doesn't make them any better. It is still shitty. I'm still stressed, I still want a break, and I still envy any one that doesn't have to worry about as many things as I do. Now I'm thankful that I'm not someone who doesn't worry or be concerned, when they should, but I take everything to the next level and over-worry, over-stress, over-think.

drained

Physically, emotionally, and mentally drained today. Christmas did not really provide any relief - and the extra three days of no work did not either due to our tap leaking into our basement apartment, continued puppy training efforts, work at 2nd job, laundry piled up from power being gone, washing machine breaking, and chucking out $530 for tires and a battery for my car. And some light insomnia to that too. Peck peck peck. Can't' really get ahead. I know we are blessed and that there are people in worse shape than us, but it is frustrating when all kinds of expenses keep coming up and you can't get ahead. We want children, but I don't understand how people afford them? I know people around my age that don't seems as settled in careers, houses, etc, yet they have kids - and seem to do well - and we would struggle if we had one now. I can't wrap my mind around it. It is frustrating.

Christmas break was also a time of mixed emotions. Was feeling generally down and sad, and was very emotional on my birthday. Partially because I turned 25 - and there are  a lot of things I wish were sorted out (mentally for one) - my emotions were already running high, my doctor increased my meds which are contributing to weight gain, and just overall unhappiness.

Had the anticipated conversation at work about my lateness/unpredictable schedule. Always happens once I get so far into a job. Stress takes over, motivation is gone, and I sink back into the same shit. They understand where I'm coming from with my anxiety, etc and are very understanding, but I still hate that the situation happens.

I feel like I'm edging closer to the point of not being able to function "normally". Emotionally and mentally things just keep getting worse, or remain stagnant which slowly drains the life out of you.

Out of time to write for now, but it is a start. Really need to start journaling again.