My hands are the worst they have been in a long time. I'll say this every now and then, but they truly are pretty darn bad now. My OCD is running at high, even though I don't "feel" it being so bad, but my hands speak a different story.
I don't know what is making me like this now.
Wednesday 6 November 2013
Wednesday 16 October 2013
oct 16
Not a great day. OCD has been bad lately, hands were cracked and
bleeding the weekend. Still very dry now. Got confronted yesterday with
my fear of cat poop when my new tenant(my friend)'s cat stepped in their
own poop and dragged some across the floor then walked around before he
took her to clean her feet. He cleaned up the floor with Lysol wipes, and cleaned her foot, but I'm still fearful concentrating on the fact that the cat walked around for a bit before we realized she had it still on her foot - especially walking on his area rug. I coped fairly well last night, but I am
still holding high anxiety about it. I was dreaming last night about
cleaning the apartment and his area rug in the living room.
So now me thinking about why I feel this way, etc has gotten
me on to thinking about my past abuse. And here is where I stand now. Just feeling crummy.Not sure if I'm going to go to the gym or not. I had planned on it, but forgot my sports bra or another bra, so if I do go, I'm going to feel gross afterwards. So I'm not sure what I'm doing. Although lifting some weights and stuff would probably be good for me.
Monday 30 September 2013
september is gone
It is only Monday, but I am emotionally already done. I just feel drained, and tired, and sad. I have to work tonight as well. It's like I keep looking forward to something in the future, but that does nothing. I only waste away my time.
My dayjob is a HUGE improvement from my old one, but at the same time, this is still not what I want to be doing. What do I want to do? I have no freakin' idea, but this doesn't satisfy me or motivate me.
I need to continue exercising and stop eating crap again. Seems like every day I don't have any lunch prepared, so I end up either having barely anything, or buying stuff I shouldn't be eating all the time. Last week I had too many smile cookies from Tim Horton's... and 2 french vanillas, and a bottle of peach drink. I barely EVER drink anything outside of water, and occasionally milk. My face has been breaking out really bad for most of this year, and I blame it on working at McDonald's, eating crap (lately), and always resting my chin/face on my hand. Arr. Consciously trying not to do that anymore, but not the easiest when it is a habit and you are not overly stimulated at work.
I feel bad because I feel like I need a break, but at the same time, I think I shouldn't feel that way. Maybe all my lost weekends are contributing to that feeling? I've barely been out home all summer, and when I was, it was only for a short time. Yes, sometimes I elected to stay in town, but the majority of the time, I just didn't have time to go out, or it wasn't worth it to go out for less than 24hrs.
I wouldn't exactly say I am unhappy, but my life seems to be lacking happiness on the day to day. I know my anxiety and my mind running on max all the time don't help, but still. I actually wonder sometimes if I don't allow myself to be happy? For some reason, maybe associated with my past. Sometimes I feel cynical.
My dayjob is a HUGE improvement from my old one, but at the same time, this is still not what I want to be doing. What do I want to do? I have no freakin' idea, but this doesn't satisfy me or motivate me.
I need to continue exercising and stop eating crap again. Seems like every day I don't have any lunch prepared, so I end up either having barely anything, or buying stuff I shouldn't be eating all the time. Last week I had too many smile cookies from Tim Horton's... and 2 french vanillas, and a bottle of peach drink. I barely EVER drink anything outside of water, and occasionally milk. My face has been breaking out really bad for most of this year, and I blame it on working at McDonald's, eating crap (lately), and always resting my chin/face on my hand. Arr. Consciously trying not to do that anymore, but not the easiest when it is a habit and you are not overly stimulated at work.
I feel bad because I feel like I need a break, but at the same time, I think I shouldn't feel that way. Maybe all my lost weekends are contributing to that feeling? I've barely been out home all summer, and when I was, it was only for a short time. Yes, sometimes I elected to stay in town, but the majority of the time, I just didn't have time to go out, or it wasn't worth it to go out for less than 24hrs.
I wouldn't exactly say I am unhappy, but my life seems to be lacking happiness on the day to day. I know my anxiety and my mind running on max all the time don't help, but still. I actually wonder sometimes if I don't allow myself to be happy? For some reason, maybe associated with my past. Sometimes I feel cynical.
Thursday 19 September 2013
Emotions are stirring and resurfacing
So I had some emotions stir up yesterday. Part in due to a comment made yesterday, and the fact that a friend of mine recently celebrated her 10 year Anniversary of disclosing her abuse. This started bringing up thoughts and emotions again of how I do not have the freedom to talk about my experience, etc because it is still denied by my abuser, and his family. There are few people I can talk to about it, and I am forever surrounded by a sense of guilt, shame, and fear of confrontation by my abuser's family. I can't really fully heal as long as I have this guilt, shame, and fear.
Yesterday a comment was made to me that "I know what you're going through, well I don't understand why you are going through it, but I understand where I'm coming from" and that started stirring up emotions. This person knows I suffered some abuse when I was a child, but beyond that I don't think they know of what nature it was, etc. So this made me think to possibly tell hubby that he can disclose more to them, as I wouldn't really be able to bring myself to talk about it. This just further brought up emotions as I would love to be able to tell them about what happened, to share, and to give some reasoning as to why I suffer from OCD, etc, but it isn't that easy, and it breaks my heart. I wish I never had so much shame, fear, and guilt, and didn't have to censor what I say for fear it gets back to the family and shit gets stirred up.
It has been 17 years since my abuse was first brought to the police, 17 years since they police deemed it "not enough evidence" and 17 years I have had to mind what I say for fear of further disturbing my own peace. When none of it is my fault, and I should be able to say what I want, and talk about it if I want, and share my story if I want without fear of being confronted, and denied again.
So emotions are stirring again.
The Miles for Smiles stirred up a lot of emotions months ago.We'll see what happens when I attend the walk tomorrow night against Sexual Violence. My experience wasn't particularly violent, but I still suffered.
Yesterday a comment was made to me that "I know what you're going through, well I don't understand why you are going through it, but I understand where I'm coming from" and that started stirring up emotions. This person knows I suffered some abuse when I was a child, but beyond that I don't think they know of what nature it was, etc. So this made me think to possibly tell hubby that he can disclose more to them, as I wouldn't really be able to bring myself to talk about it. This just further brought up emotions as I would love to be able to tell them about what happened, to share, and to give some reasoning as to why I suffer from OCD, etc, but it isn't that easy, and it breaks my heart. I wish I never had so much shame, fear, and guilt, and didn't have to censor what I say for fear it gets back to the family and shit gets stirred up.
It has been 17 years since my abuse was first brought to the police, 17 years since they police deemed it "not enough evidence" and 17 years I have had to mind what I say for fear of further disturbing my own peace. When none of it is my fault, and I should be able to say what I want, and talk about it if I want, and share my story if I want without fear of being confronted, and denied again.
So emotions are stirring again.
The Miles for Smiles stirred up a lot of emotions months ago.We'll see what happens when I attend the walk tomorrow night against Sexual Violence. My experience wasn't particularly violent, but I still suffered.
Monday 16 September 2013
Sept 16
In a weird mood today. Woke up hungry today, probably because I had been sick at work last night. I was craving a good hot breakfast - eggs, bacon. But the bacon was left at Darrin's place and I never really had time to make eggs. No bread left either, so I couldn't have toast, and there was only one pack of oatmeal left. Only had a piece of left over steak for dinner - went to the UC to get something else, although I couldn't think of anything there I wanted. So I ended up getting plain white rice. Just not really in the mood for anything take-out. Just want real food.
I dunno, I'm just in a weird mood. Was really sleepy this morning, and cold. Now I just feel down. I ate my rice out in the sunshine so at least I saw some sun and had the wind blowing in my hair. Makes me just want to lie down out in the sun, or set up my hammock and just relax outside. But I can't right now.
I hope this week isn't like this. It is only Monday. Maybe part of the reason I'm down is because I know I'm busy almost every evening this week until Friday. And then still have things that I need to do over the weekend.
I was out home on Saturday, but for only 3.5 hours. Played at a wedding, then visited my brother, sister-in-law and nephew; my grandmother; and briefly my dad. Then I had to boot it back to town. It was nice to see all of them, but I wish I had more time.
Just blah.
I dunno, I'm just in a weird mood. Was really sleepy this morning, and cold. Now I just feel down. I ate my rice out in the sunshine so at least I saw some sun and had the wind blowing in my hair. Makes me just want to lie down out in the sun, or set up my hammock and just relax outside. But I can't right now.
I hope this week isn't like this. It is only Monday. Maybe part of the reason I'm down is because I know I'm busy almost every evening this week until Friday. And then still have things that I need to do over the weekend.
I was out home on Saturday, but for only 3.5 hours. Played at a wedding, then visited my brother, sister-in-law and nephew; my grandmother; and briefly my dad. Then I had to boot it back to town. It was nice to see all of them, but I wish I had more time.
Just blah.
Monday 26 August 2013
short update
It has been quite a while since I've posted here. Started a new job on August 12th. Loving it so far. Love my office, my coworkers are great, and it is nice to feel comfortable in my surroundings again... well really for the first time. Great to not be afraid of everything around you. Definitely helps with my daily stress.
Joining The Works tomorrow to get back into some physical activity. Haven't done much lately, and that has caused a couple pounds to creep up on me again. Hopefully some activity will kill them as quickly as the crept up on me. A lot of my coworkers go there daily at lunch, so that will help get my ass up and going.
Still working second job. Only 2 shifts per week now. Will keep it up for as long as I can and for as long as we need it financially. We are in the process of chucking out some money upgrading our apartment to get it up for rent again. Then things will get better once we have that income back again and increased from before. I do miss my freedom on the weekends. Thankfully I am not closing Sunday nights anymore, and I get to open or work the day instead, but still stints my weekend plans, especially when I also have been working almost every Friday night close.
Looking forward to this long weekend. Wedding and hubby's birthday on Saturday, friends and family the rest of the weekend, and no work!
Joining The Works tomorrow to get back into some physical activity. Haven't done much lately, and that has caused a couple pounds to creep up on me again. Hopefully some activity will kill them as quickly as the crept up on me. A lot of my coworkers go there daily at lunch, so that will help get my ass up and going.
Still working second job. Only 2 shifts per week now. Will keep it up for as long as I can and for as long as we need it financially. We are in the process of chucking out some money upgrading our apartment to get it up for rent again. Then things will get better once we have that income back again and increased from before. I do miss my freedom on the weekends. Thankfully I am not closing Sunday nights anymore, and I get to open or work the day instead, but still stints my weekend plans, especially when I also have been working almost every Friday night close.
Looking forward to this long weekend. Wedding and hubby's birthday on Saturday, friends and family the rest of the weekend, and no work!
Thursday 18 July 2013
state of affairs
I don't even know what to write. I work to much. I've become mostly numb to emotions and life. I'm stressed.
Vacay booked for November, and new job starting in two weeks, but I'm not even excited. I'm too preoccupied with other things and stressed when it comes to money, life, etc. Losing our tenant at the end of the month so we'll be out money for a month, plus need to pay back damage deposit, and we have some upgrades to do before re-renting it, so more money. It'll all work out once we raise rent, but it is all a lot of expenses at one time.
Other than that I'm feeling just drained. I know hubby is too. I hate how we see each other less due to our schedules and it is affecting our relationship.
I am cutting back my second job hours in September. I agreed to continue for August, but cut back to two a week in September. Many nights I question why I am even working a second job, but financially we need it right now. I can only imagine the state we'd be in with recent expenditures if I wasn't bringing in extra money for the past 4 monthss
On top of all this we are trying to eat better/cleaner, and exercise. But with my already limited time it can be hard at times. When we are hungry and haven't prepared anything it is so easy to want to grab take out or restaurant food. And unfortunately, everything "bad"/not clean is cheap, and the things that are cleaner are expensive, which loops back to the financial stresses.
Messed up dreams last night too. Part of it was that the quilt my godmother made me when I was 2 or 3 got torn, and sewn back together poorly. My parents and brother had hidden it from me because they didn't want to tell me, but I found it and the top was missing, then found it sewn on really poorly. I was irate and devastated, but no one understood. My parents only got pissed off at me for being so upset and mad. I was crying, bawling, and screaming. Absolute devastation.
Coincidentally enough, anger is one of the few emotions I don't block out or become completely numb too. Now I may be numb for a while to why I am angry, but one of the few emotions I often sense,
Vacay booked for November, and new job starting in two weeks, but I'm not even excited. I'm too preoccupied with other things and stressed when it comes to money, life, etc. Losing our tenant at the end of the month so we'll be out money for a month, plus need to pay back damage deposit, and we have some upgrades to do before re-renting it, so more money. It'll all work out once we raise rent, but it is all a lot of expenses at one time.
Other than that I'm feeling just drained. I know hubby is too. I hate how we see each other less due to our schedules and it is affecting our relationship.
I am cutting back my second job hours in September. I agreed to continue for August, but cut back to two a week in September. Many nights I question why I am even working a second job, but financially we need it right now. I can only imagine the state we'd be in with recent expenditures if I wasn't bringing in extra money for the past 4 monthss
On top of all this we are trying to eat better/cleaner, and exercise. But with my already limited time it can be hard at times. When we are hungry and haven't prepared anything it is so easy to want to grab take out or restaurant food. And unfortunately, everything "bad"/not clean is cheap, and the things that are cleaner are expensive, which loops back to the financial stresses.
Messed up dreams last night too. Part of it was that the quilt my godmother made me when I was 2 or 3 got torn, and sewn back together poorly. My parents and brother had hidden it from me because they didn't want to tell me, but I found it and the top was missing, then found it sewn on really poorly. I was irate and devastated, but no one understood. My parents only got pissed off at me for being so upset and mad. I was crying, bawling, and screaming. Absolute devastation.
Coincidentally enough, anger is one of the few emotions I don't block out or become completely numb too. Now I may be numb for a while to why I am angry, but one of the few emotions I often sense,
Tuesday 2 July 2013
From Thursday
So working closes is starting to affect my sleep pattern. which sucks. I was off last night and was reading until 3am without falling asleep - which usually happens when reading - then had trouble getting to sleep after then, even though I was tired. I have to work tonight, so I'm losing sleep again tonight regardless. I've thought about taking tomorrow off, but I don't really want to use one of my holidays, plus I probably need to be here for some reason. I am some glad I'm off from 2nd job until Tuesday after tonight.
In happier news, we have purchased our fire pit, and the yard is half dug out for it. It would be ready for it now, only it has rained all week. Hopefully we can finish it for a fire sometime this long weekend.
In happier news, we have purchased our fire pit, and the yard is half dug out for it. It would be ready for it now, only it has rained all week. Hopefully we can finish it for a fire sometime this long weekend.
Thursday 20 June 2013
exhausted
I think I may be starting to burn out a little. I'm starting to hate going to my second job, especially the weekend shifts because I don't get a good break anymore. Maybe my schedule next month will be nicer with less Friday nights. Really didn't want to be there last night, but I was fine. However, people who don't want to do their damn jobs piss me off. Asking them to do something is like it is a chore, and not their job. Then taking longer on your break because you "had to poop", yet not even breaking back in when you come back. Then asking me if you can have a "quick" smoke break later, when you already too more than your alloted break time. I shouldn't be so nice to them.
Monday 17 June 2013
tired
so so tired today. Worked late. So glad I am off until Monday. Almost called in to my day job today I was so tired. Hubby even said I looked ridiculously tired.
I miss the weekends of pure relaxation. Not worrying about needing to work, or be a certain place, etc. A friend of mine had pictures posted of her Father's Day with her family. I miss that. Sure I get to spend some town out the bay with my families, but the time is cut short and overshadowed by knowing I need to work at a certain time.
My tiredness is not going to contribute well to my patience today... ugh
I miss the weekends of pure relaxation. Not worrying about needing to work, or be a certain place, etc. A friend of mine had pictures posted of her Father's Day with her family. I miss that. Sure I get to spend some town out the bay with my families, but the time is cut short and overshadowed by knowing I need to work at a certain time.
My tiredness is not going to contribute well to my patience today... ugh
Friday 7 June 2013
still waiting
Haven't been updating as much. Maybe I've been thinking less, or at least not focusing on things. Plus I'm busy, and still holding onto hope to get that new job. Haven't heard anything yet, and haven't received a rejection letter yet, so I'm still hoping. Looks like I'm not hearing anything today.
My work schedule for this month is pretty consistent. Almost always Monday, Friday, and Sunday closes.
Went home last weekend. Took Friday off from the day job to tidy up around the house, do laundry, etc. Then went out home that evening. Visited some family friends on the way out, then stayed at my parents. Helped mom all day Sunday, which was tiring but nice. Had some Robin's for a late lunch, and Chinese food for a late supper - which was soooo tasty. Really hit the spot. Sunday I got up, dropped of stuff to my in-laws(saw the kittys), had roast with my parents, then spent some time with my brother, his wife, and my nephew. Nephew is some sweet. Melted my heart when he had his little arms right around me in a hug and was coming for kisses. What a sweetheart. Not sure if I am going out tomorrow or not. May go out to help mom again if she needs me, and see my nephew. If not, we'll go out next weekend when hubby also has Saturday off.
Working tonight. Should be a good shift. There are extra people scheduled so hopefully will have a good night, not be there too late, and have decent times as well.
Hubby is starting to build our fire pit between tonight and tomorrow. Can't wait to have fires with friends in our backyard. I'd have one by myself some night just to have an excuse to go outside. Even read by the fire. mmm =)
My work schedule for this month is pretty consistent. Almost always Monday, Friday, and Sunday closes.
Went home last weekend. Took Friday off from the day job to tidy up around the house, do laundry, etc. Then went out home that evening. Visited some family friends on the way out, then stayed at my parents. Helped mom all day Sunday, which was tiring but nice. Had some Robin's for a late lunch, and Chinese food for a late supper - which was soooo tasty. Really hit the spot. Sunday I got up, dropped of stuff to my in-laws(saw the kittys), had roast with my parents, then spent some time with my brother, his wife, and my nephew. Nephew is some sweet. Melted my heart when he had his little arms right around me in a hug and was coming for kisses. What a sweetheart. Not sure if I am going out tomorrow or not. May go out to help mom again if she needs me, and see my nephew. If not, we'll go out next weekend when hubby also has Saturday off.
Working tonight. Should be a good shift. There are extra people scheduled so hopefully will have a good night, not be there too late, and have decent times as well.
Hubby is starting to build our fire pit between tonight and tomorrow. Can't wait to have fires with friends in our backyard. I'd have one by myself some night just to have an excuse to go outside. Even read by the fire. mmm =)
Thursday 30 May 2013
panic
Note to self: don't go through the center of the med school when
convocation is on the go. I just had to pass through to bring a file to
purchasing and nearly had a panic attack. Too many people together in a
place that agitates my OCD. Especially when some lady comes out of the bathroom and touched my arm with her wet hands.
Can't wait to go home tomorrow.
Can't wait to go home tomorrow.
Monday 27 May 2013
tired day
So so so so so tired today. Was awake this morning sometime after 4am with a sick stomach. Got back in bed around 4:45am or so. I had enough trouble getting to sleep in the first place, so this was very uncool. Working again tonight so I'm going to be quite tired again tomorrow morning.
My interview on Thursday went well. I feel pretty good about it, so I'm hoping to hear something this week. *crossing fingers*
My plan all weekend kinda kept getting shuffled up, and noting really went as I had planned, but I still managed to see some friends for a little bit. Saturday night I wasn't quite myself. Sunday I worked until 7pm. We were super busy for lunch to mid afternoon, but overall good shift. After that I just came home, got cleaned up, and relaxed.
I think I need to take a day off from my day job sometime soon. I'm exhausted today, and getting mentally exhausted with working so much. I just wanna go out the bay and see my parents, family, and nephew.
My interview on Thursday went well. I feel pretty good about it, so I'm hoping to hear something this week. *crossing fingers*
My plan all weekend kinda kept getting shuffled up, and noting really went as I had planned, but I still managed to see some friends for a little bit. Saturday night I wasn't quite myself. Sunday I worked until 7pm. We were super busy for lunch to mid afternoon, but overall good shift. After that I just came home, got cleaned up, and relaxed.
I think I need to take a day off from my day job sometime soon. I'm exhausted today, and getting mentally exhausted with working so much. I just wanna go out the bay and see my parents, family, and nephew.
Tuesday 21 May 2013
Weekend
This holiday weekend ended up being different than originally anticipated. My first aid course got cancelled, without me getting a notice, therefore I was up and thre 9am on Saturday morning after working later Friday night, only to wait around with a group of people for an hour before I left. But I did then get George Street bagels which were yummy, and although I lost out on sleep, I now had the whole day to relax/do whatever.
Sunday I got to sleep in as I no longer had first aid, then I worked from 3:45 until close. I had a customer that shift that fully reminded me exactly why I love working at my second job.
They had a complaint, I could hear something was wrong while serving another customer. When finished with my other customer, I asked how I could help her. I listened to her story, offered to correct it, and in return she complimented me so many times on my professionalism and kindness! She said I looked like someone who should be in business, and I told her I have my BBA, and work this job on the side. She thanked me again numerous times as she left and asked me for my name. She said she wanted to call in to let someone know how professional, courteous, and friendly I was. All of this made my day - in fact, my whole weekend!! I couldn't stop smiling the rest of my shift. =D This is why I love working in customer service. It can be frustrating at times,you may have to deal with some tough people/situations, and not everyone is always happy, but it is moments like THAT that make it worth it.
Monday I enjoyed a lazy day around the house. Slept in, finished my book 419, watched Brave, Game of Thrones from Sunday night, and started reading Game of Thrones. After a late supper, Michael and I played catch up on one of our shows. It was a nice, relaxing, lazy day. Unfortunately I had trouble getting to sleep last night, but that was probably due to sleeping in Sunday and Monday.
Found out I am not working this Friday night now, which means I have this weekend and next weekend with only Sunday shifts! Pet Expo next weekend, out home at some point over the next two weeks, and camping sometime over the next two weeks.
Hope our bicycles get brought in town tomorrow. Exercise! Nice weather! Outside!
Sunday I got to sleep in as I no longer had first aid, then I worked from 3:45 until close. I had a customer that shift that fully reminded me exactly why I love working at my second job.
They had a complaint, I could hear something was wrong while serving another customer. When finished with my other customer, I asked how I could help her. I listened to her story, offered to correct it, and in return she complimented me so many times on my professionalism and kindness! She said I looked like someone who should be in business, and I told her I have my BBA, and work this job on the side. She thanked me again numerous times as she left and asked me for my name. She said she wanted to call in to let someone know how professional, courteous, and friendly I was. All of this made my day - in fact, my whole weekend!! I couldn't stop smiling the rest of my shift. =D This is why I love working in customer service. It can be frustrating at times,you may have to deal with some tough people/situations, and not everyone is always happy, but it is moments like THAT that make it worth it.
Monday I enjoyed a lazy day around the house. Slept in, finished my book 419, watched Brave, Game of Thrones from Sunday night, and started reading Game of Thrones. After a late supper, Michael and I played catch up on one of our shows. It was a nice, relaxing, lazy day. Unfortunately I had trouble getting to sleep last night, but that was probably due to sleeping in Sunday and Monday.
Found out I am not working this Friday night now, which means I have this weekend and next weekend with only Sunday shifts! Pet Expo next weekend, out home at some point over the next two weeks, and camping sometime over the next two weeks.
Hope our bicycles get brought in town tomorrow. Exercise! Nice weather! Outside!
Thursday 16 May 2013
Some Positive Updates
This week has been pretty good. The combination of a good night at work Sunday, then having Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday night off has helped.
I also got a call today for an interview on Thursday with another department at work. 1 Year contract, and seems like I'll have more "administrative" work to do compared to now, even though technical same title. So here's hoping it goes well. Is still not my ideal job, but it would be a better position, job security for another year, and a better location on campus.
Hubby and I are going to go to the Keg tonight. He has a $50 gc so we are going to go eat in the bar part and have a more casual/cheaper meal. Will be nice, especially as we haven't really done anything on my nights off this week. He is working until 8ish so I will go home and do some housework first and have that done by the time he is back.
Work tomorrow and Sunday night, First Aid Saturday and Sunday. I have Monday off from both jobs which will be nice to relax and get a sleep in. Even though the past 2 mornings I have woken up earlier than need - perhaps because I had went to bed earlier (not early by no means) than I do when I work in the evening.
Some of my positive outlook may also be coming from looking at my 2nd job as a potential gateway to more career growth than my current one. We'll see what happens. My options are pretty open.
Looking forward to this weekend, even though it will be busy. Bad weather forecast, but hopefully still got some bbqing and hangage with friends Saturday night.
<3
I also got a call today for an interview on Thursday with another department at work. 1 Year contract, and seems like I'll have more "administrative" work to do compared to now, even though technical same title. So here's hoping it goes well. Is still not my ideal job, but it would be a better position, job security for another year, and a better location on campus.
Hubby and I are going to go to the Keg tonight. He has a $50 gc so we are going to go eat in the bar part and have a more casual/cheaper meal. Will be nice, especially as we haven't really done anything on my nights off this week. He is working until 8ish so I will go home and do some housework first and have that done by the time he is back.
Work tomorrow and Sunday night, First Aid Saturday and Sunday. I have Monday off from both jobs which will be nice to relax and get a sleep in. Even though the past 2 mornings I have woken up earlier than need - perhaps because I had went to bed earlier (not early by no means) than I do when I work in the evening.
Some of my positive outlook may also be coming from looking at my 2nd job as a potential gateway to more career growth than my current one. We'll see what happens. My options are pretty open.
Looking forward to this weekend, even though it will be busy. Bad weather forecast, but hopefully still got some bbqing and hangage with friends Saturday night.
<3
Monday 13 May 2013
Weekend
Tired today, but not too bumbed out. Had a good night at work last night. I was really pleased with one of my crew people, and it just made my night.
Went home saturday for the night. Enjoyed my time out home. Got out Saturday for dinner at Nan's. MMMM had my cup of tea, shared 2 skices of damper toast, and had some macaroni & baco. Couldn't ask for more. When I think of the memories I have from my grandmother's, and the things she taught me, the more old-fashioned way of life, I hope my kids can have an experience like that with their grandparents.
Stayed at my parents' house Saturday night. Got up and hung out with mom and dad. i really did not want o go back to town. Ended up having a little cry and talk with mom and dad before I left. I just felt so utterly exhausted - with life in general.
I was crooked as sin when we got back to town and i had to go to work, but I perked up while I was there and had a good afternoon and night. =)
Working again tonight - hopefully it goes well. and then I'm off until Friday night, which is a nice break. Looking forward to Monday off from both jobs. Ah sleep and rest.
Went home saturday for the night. Enjoyed my time out home. Got out Saturday for dinner at Nan's. MMMM had my cup of tea, shared 2 skices of damper toast, and had some macaroni & baco. Couldn't ask for more. When I think of the memories I have from my grandmother's, and the things she taught me, the more old-fashioned way of life, I hope my kids can have an experience like that with their grandparents.
Stayed at my parents' house Saturday night. Got up and hung out with mom and dad. i really did not want o go back to town. Ended up having a little cry and talk with mom and dad before I left. I just felt so utterly exhausted - with life in general.
I was crooked as sin when we got back to town and i had to go to work, but I perked up while I was there and had a good afternoon and night. =)
Working again tonight - hopefully it goes well. and then I'm off until Friday night, which is a nice break. Looking forward to Monday off from both jobs. Ah sleep and rest.
Thursday 9 May 2013
not bad, but not good
Today is not bad day, but not a good day either. I think the impending weekend lifts my spirits a bit. Missed my therapist appointment this morning... completely forgot, and never saw the reminder on my phone either. Unfortunate because it probably would be beneficial.
May be going out home this weekend now on Saturday or late Friday after work. Hopefully my shifts tonight, Friday night, and Sunday go smoothly.
Walked over to the UC to get some rice to eat. Sat down overlooking Prince Philip Drive. it is a beautiful day out, but I still remain unlifted. Although a nap in the sun would be nice, but i'm working tonight.
Warm out, but i've been cold all day. Haven't taken my coat off yet. why am I always chilled?
....
Feeling really drained and tired now. weh.
May be going out home this weekend now on Saturday or late Friday after work. Hopefully my shifts tonight, Friday night, and Sunday go smoothly.
Walked over to the UC to get some rice to eat. Sat down overlooking Prince Philip Drive. it is a beautiful day out, but I still remain unlifted. Although a nap in the sun would be nice, but i'm working tonight.
Warm out, but i've been cold all day. Haven't taken my coat off yet. why am I always chilled?
....
Feeling really drained and tired now. weh.
Wednesday 8 May 2013
Update
In happier news - I went to the job fair. Only spoke to two companies, but they were both positive encounters, and seem hopeful, so spirits have been lifted a bit.
May book our holiday tonight. A little scared of booking it where my job situation is uncertain for the fall, but there are good flight options finally up again.
May book our holiday tonight. A little scared of booking it where my job situation is uncertain for the fall, but there are good flight options finally up again.
spiraling
I feel like I'm in a downwards spiral. Everyday is getting worse. I'm depressed and irate at the same time this morning. I'm going to go over to the MUN career fair, but I already feel defeated. I physically feel like crap, and I emotionally and mentally feel like crap. All I want to do today is go home. My mother and aunt are on their way in town. Hopefully I can have dinner with them.
Am I going to burn out?
Today is also the one year anniversary of my uncle's death who was very dear to my heart. I only aspire to be a fraction of the person he was. He treated me with nothing but kindness and love, as he did for everyone he met. Ladybugs will forever remind me of him as he would give glass ones to everyone he met for good luck. My first tattoo, which I am on a wait list for, will be in his memory.
The news report about the vacancies and cuts to Child Youth and Family Services also pissed me off today. There are already instances of children falling through the cracks, and probably more unknown - but yet they are cutting services. How many poor children are going to be further failed by the system? Sickening. Many have already went through enough hurt and pain, and are already set up for a life time of issues from it, why deepen that? Sick.
Am I going to burn out?
Today is also the one year anniversary of my uncle's death who was very dear to my heart. I only aspire to be a fraction of the person he was. He treated me with nothing but kindness and love, as he did for everyone he met. Ladybugs will forever remind me of him as he would give glass ones to everyone he met for good luck. My first tattoo, which I am on a wait list for, will be in his memory.
The news report about the vacancies and cuts to Child Youth and Family Services also pissed me off today. There are already instances of children falling through the cracks, and probably more unknown - but yet they are cutting services. How many poor children are going to be further failed by the system? Sickening. Many have already went through enough hurt and pain, and are already set up for a life time of issues from it, why deepen that? Sick.
Tuesday 7 May 2013
down again
My mood has went on the decline again today quite rapidly.
I
just enjoyed a lovely lunch all by myself, eating bland white rice. Not
even the sunshine is cheering me up. I just depressed.There is a job fair at MUN tomorrow... should be positive... but when I look at the companies coming, and the possible jobs, I don't even know what kind of job I would want . I just feel like i'm incapable of even doing a "real" business job, besides the fact that I don't really know what I want to do. There is ONE position posted now from one of the companies that interests me, so I'll try to talk to them tomorrow and see what happens.
Monday 6 May 2013
Rant
My day job frustrates me. I am frustrated to no end and feel like an incompetent piece of crap. Plus I'm dropping tired today which does not help. If I didn't need this job financially I wouldn't be doing it. And I'm already nervous about my contract being up in October and not having another job lined up. Makes us second guess booking our holiday for November.
Talking to a friend today who did the same degree as me, but is working in a much more progressive, responsible, and degree related job. She went away, and is doing a job in BC, fresh out of university, that in NL they would want 5-10 years experience, and/or a Masters Degree, and/or a professional accounting designation. And all I can get here in NL is office work - secretarial, that is not what I went to school for. The money is the only redeeming part. Maybe we would have been better off if we had went away. I know we wouldn't have our house, and would have been away from family, but at the same time we would have been so much further ahead career wise. It's depressing that this is the kind of decision you need to make in NL. Just stupid. Go away and do well career wise and financially, but you need to leave behind your friends and family, and forgo other plans, oh and don't forget - we "really want you to stay in NL".
Talking to a friend today who did the same degree as me, but is working in a much more progressive, responsible, and degree related job. She went away, and is doing a job in BC, fresh out of university, that in NL they would want 5-10 years experience, and/or a Masters Degree, and/or a professional accounting designation. And all I can get here in NL is office work - secretarial, that is not what I went to school for. The money is the only redeeming part. Maybe we would have been better off if we had went away. I know we wouldn't have our house, and would have been away from family, but at the same time we would have been so much further ahead career wise. It's depressing that this is the kind of decision you need to make in NL. Just stupid. Go away and do well career wise and financially, but you need to leave behind your friends and family, and forgo other plans, oh and don't forget - we "really want you to stay in NL".
Friday 3 May 2013
The Daily Blahs
Today is one of those days were you wake up in a bad mood and try to flow with the punches. I am becoming more and more aware that I am living a lifestyle that I dislike, to keep living a lifestyle I dislike, in the hope that it'll get better some day.
My dissatisfaction comes today from this... I work Monday to Friday every week, plus Sunday, plus nights during the week. I only get Saturday off, and sometime work until midnight on Friday. May 2-4 weekend, I'll be doing First Aid Saturday and Sunday, working Sunday night, and very possible to be working again on Monday, so I get no holiday. If I enjoyed both my jobs, this wouldn't be so bad, but with not enjoying my daytime one, my schedule is sucking the life out of me. I have no time to go out the bay to see my family - the place where I would truly rather be.
I haven't worked since Monday night, working again tonight, but I've still been tired and sleeping in every day. Ugh. And now when I have a night off, if I don't do much of anything I feel like it was wasted.
I haven't seen my friends since a couple weeks ago which saddens me. Will see them tomorrow thankfully.
My dissatisfaction comes today from this... I work Monday to Friday every week, plus Sunday, plus nights during the week. I only get Saturday off, and sometime work until midnight on Friday. May 2-4 weekend, I'll be doing First Aid Saturday and Sunday, working Sunday night, and very possible to be working again on Monday, so I get no holiday. If I enjoyed both my jobs, this wouldn't be so bad, but with not enjoying my daytime one, my schedule is sucking the life out of me. I have no time to go out the bay to see my family - the place where I would truly rather be.
I haven't worked since Monday night, working again tonight, but I've still been tired and sleeping in every day. Ugh. And now when I have a night off, if I don't do much of anything I feel like it was wasted.
I haven't seen my friends since a couple weeks ago which saddens me. Will see them tomorrow thankfully.
Wednesday 1 May 2013
Rattled
#1 Doctor appointment that I always end up leaving feeling worse and/or angry than when I arrived
#2 $200 parking permits when my co-workers get to park closer for $70
#2 $200 parking permits when my co-workers get to park closer for $70
"What makes you itch"
I watched this video today
It is so true. I recognize this, and long to be able to do something I like, without worrying about money, but I'm not sure what it is. What do I want to do?
I know I like helping people, and interacting with people. If money was no issue, and I didn't have to work, I would spend my time volunteering, helping others, and spending time with friends and family. I enjoy spending time with children, even though I sometimes feel awkward due to if other adults are going to think I am silly, etc. Like with my nephew - I'd love to sing him songs, and read him books, but I feel a little awkward sometimes in front of the rest of my family. I shouldn't. He makes me happy. I know I want children and to be a mom. I worry about how I will handle it some times with my OCD, but I can only imagine how fulfilling it will feel. My heart already melts at the sight of my nephew and other children, what would I be like with my own?
This is one of the reasons why I have considered going back to do primary elementary education, and teaching a young grade. It would make me so happy to know that I am helping children learn and grow, and make them feel special and loved, especially those that may come from situations where they do not get that at home. Knowing that they would look up to me, would make me smile.
This is still an option, but sadly MUN is not offering any of the prerequisites I need this summer, and I have three left in order to apply. Ideally I wanted to get these done by the end of 2013 so I could start the program May 2014 and be teaching Fall 2015. Maybe I'll be lucky, and be able to do all three this fall. That would be amazing.
ideas and options.
J
It is so true. I recognize this, and long to be able to do something I like, without worrying about money, but I'm not sure what it is. What do I want to do?
I know I like helping people, and interacting with people. If money was no issue, and I didn't have to work, I would spend my time volunteering, helping others, and spending time with friends and family. I enjoy spending time with children, even though I sometimes feel awkward due to if other adults are going to think I am silly, etc. Like with my nephew - I'd love to sing him songs, and read him books, but I feel a little awkward sometimes in front of the rest of my family. I shouldn't. He makes me happy. I know I want children and to be a mom. I worry about how I will handle it some times with my OCD, but I can only imagine how fulfilling it will feel. My heart already melts at the sight of my nephew and other children, what would I be like with my own?
This is one of the reasons why I have considered going back to do primary elementary education, and teaching a young grade. It would make me so happy to know that I am helping children learn and grow, and make them feel special and loved, especially those that may come from situations where they do not get that at home. Knowing that they would look up to me, would make me smile.
This is still an option, but sadly MUN is not offering any of the prerequisites I need this summer, and I have three left in order to apply. Ideally I wanted to get these done by the end of 2013 so I could start the program May 2014 and be teaching Fall 2015. Maybe I'll be lucky, and be able to do all three this fall. That would be amazing.
ideas and options.
J
Tuesday 30 April 2013
Sleepy this morning. Bed was so comfy, I did not want to get up. Not so bad now. I am off until Friday for the pt job except for a meeting tonight at 7pm for an hour, which is nice. Some time to relax, catch up on few things that need to be done around the house, and go to Costco for groceries. Seriously lacking a lot of the essentials. And can finally watch GoT tonight!!
Hubby is bbqing steak for supper which will be nice, and he made soup last night so I have some here with me for dinner. Yay real food. We also have soup ordered this week, which we will get on Monday. mmmm Chicken Chowder.
Not much to say today so far. I'm just blah and drained and looking forward to a few evenings off. Some of that is emotional drainage as I'm just not thinking of much of anything today, just waiting to go home at the end of the day.
Was planning on going out the bay this weekend, but I think we are staying in now to hang with some friends. I think I'm going to have to ask for a Friday off some time so I can enjoy a full weekend off. hopefully my May 24 weekend schedule is not too bad.
Hubby is bbqing steak for supper which will be nice, and he made soup last night so I have some here with me for dinner. Yay real food. We also have soup ordered this week, which we will get on Monday. mmmm Chicken Chowder.
Not much to say today so far. I'm just blah and drained and looking forward to a few evenings off. Some of that is emotional drainage as I'm just not thinking of much of anything today, just waiting to go home at the end of the day.
Was planning on going out the bay this weekend, but I think we are staying in now to hang with some friends. I think I'm going to have to ask for a Friday off some time so I can enjoy a full weekend off. hopefully my May 24 weekend schedule is not too bad.
Monday 29 April 2013
Emminent Failure?
I sometimes worry that because of my OCD, I'm never going to be able to fully succeed and handle anything in life. It has gotten so bad that no part of my life is left unaffected. It definitely affects and affected me school and career wise. Would I have picked a different career if I wasn't afraid of certain things? Would I be able to do certain jobs if I wasn't afraid? Would I preform better at what I do? My OCD/fears have always held me back from doing certain things.
I also want to have kids... will I be able to handle it with my OCD? How will I manage when they're toddlers / young kids, etc and are getting into everything, playing, etc.
I feel trapped and like I am going to fail. I know I could try harder to resist my OCD obsessions, but it is hard, and I just feel hopeless. I'm too influenced by the fact that I should not have these problems. I know everyone has issues, and you can't just let them beat you, but still. It's hard. It hurts. It doesn't make it fair.
I also want to have kids... will I be able to handle it with my OCD? How will I manage when they're toddlers / young kids, etc and are getting into everything, playing, etc.
I feel trapped and like I am going to fail. I know I could try harder to resist my OCD obsessions, but it is hard, and I just feel hopeless. I'm too influenced by the fact that I should not have these problems. I know everyone has issues, and you can't just let them beat you, but still. It's hard. It hurts. It doesn't make it fair.
Tired today. not too bad, but residual tiredness. I was in bed before 9pm last night I was so tired - I was even willing to miss Game of Thrones... that bad. Unfortunately I won't be able to watch it until Tuesday because I'm working again tonight. I slept pretty well, but I had difficulty getting to sleep, despite being tired.
Part Time job is going well. Yesterday at lunch was super busy, but it calmed down later on. I shall particularily enjoy this pay day on Thursday.
Broke glass for the second time in the past week. Earlier the week I broke a drinking glass in our bedroom, today I broke the base of a cake stand in the porch while trying to bring it in from the car carrying too much. Tripped in the door, resulting in me dropping it. Fail. It is cleaned up, but breaking glass makes me fearful of little shards being missed and it accidentally getting eaten somehow - go OCD go!
Hoping to book our flights for our trip this week, just waiting for options to show up again for the days we want, they were there last week.
Saw my nephew this weekend. God love him. Master crawler, and pulls himself up to standing. he put his little hands on my knees and pushed himself up to standing. Melt my heart.
Hubby's dad was throwing the pressure on for grand kids again. haha. They say they've given up on hubby's sister, so they're at us now. haha I find it amusing. I'm hoping maybe next year - see how we work out financially over the rest of 2013 and what happens for me career wise. My current contract is up in October, so I have no idea what is going to happen. I could switch to full-time at my PT job, but cash flow would decrease substantially. So we will see what happens. Who knows, maybe the courses I need to go back to school will, by some rare miracle, all be offered this fall and at times I could take them. Then I could be back in school next May. So we'll see what happens.
One thing I definitely do not like about working two jobs during the week is that I don't eat properly. Sunday shift won't always be as bad, but going to work, right after getting home prevents me from getting good supper. We also haven't been preparing our meals as much. I thoroughly enjoyed cooked meals this weekend out the bay.
Part Time job is going well. Yesterday at lunch was super busy, but it calmed down later on. I shall particularily enjoy this pay day on Thursday.
Broke glass for the second time in the past week. Earlier the week I broke a drinking glass in our bedroom, today I broke the base of a cake stand in the porch while trying to bring it in from the car carrying too much. Tripped in the door, resulting in me dropping it. Fail. It is cleaned up, but breaking glass makes me fearful of little shards being missed and it accidentally getting eaten somehow - go OCD go!
Hoping to book our flights for our trip this week, just waiting for options to show up again for the days we want, they were there last week.
Saw my nephew this weekend. God love him. Master crawler, and pulls himself up to standing. he put his little hands on my knees and pushed himself up to standing. Melt my heart.
Hubby's dad was throwing the pressure on for grand kids again. haha. They say they've given up on hubby's sister, so they're at us now. haha I find it amusing. I'm hoping maybe next year - see how we work out financially over the rest of 2013 and what happens for me career wise. My current contract is up in October, so I have no idea what is going to happen. I could switch to full-time at my PT job, but cash flow would decrease substantially. So we will see what happens. Who knows, maybe the courses I need to go back to school will, by some rare miracle, all be offered this fall and at times I could take them. Then I could be back in school next May. So we'll see what happens.
One thing I definitely do not like about working two jobs during the week is that I don't eat properly. Sunday shift won't always be as bad, but going to work, right after getting home prevents me from getting good supper. We also haven't been preparing our meals as much. I thoroughly enjoyed cooked meals this weekend out the bay.
Friday 26 April 2013
Sunny Day
Today is a better day. It is nice out, and not cold. Wearing a skirt without tights for the first time this season. Hopefully there are more days to come.
Friday is a day that all my worries are less important as it signals the weekend. And this weekend we are going home out the bay =) Getting my new tires on tomorrow, Elegant Evening Dinner & Auction at church in Coley's Point Saturday night, and we have a cake ordered for Saturday for our 8 year dating anniversary which is Sunday. I'm working 11-7pm on Sunday, but I'm going to try to fully enjoy the weekend up to that point and not dwell on the fact that we'll need to get up early to drive back to Paradise.
I was really tired again this morning, then ended up being late to work. I felt real bad. I need to start getting up earlier again. I know the extra work at the same time as trying to get up early is kind of acting against each other. Hopefully next week brings better efforts.
Also hoping to get our California trip officially booked this weekend! <3 Will be nice to officially have the flights booked and the date therefore confirmed. Pumped.
Here's to enjoy this nice day, and the warmer weather that will be here this weekend =)
J
Friday is a day that all my worries are less important as it signals the weekend. And this weekend we are going home out the bay =) Getting my new tires on tomorrow, Elegant Evening Dinner & Auction at church in Coley's Point Saturday night, and we have a cake ordered for Saturday for our 8 year dating anniversary which is Sunday. I'm working 11-7pm on Sunday, but I'm going to try to fully enjoy the weekend up to that point and not dwell on the fact that we'll need to get up early to drive back to Paradise.
I was really tired again this morning, then ended up being late to work. I felt real bad. I need to start getting up earlier again. I know the extra work at the same time as trying to get up early is kind of acting against each other. Hopefully next week brings better efforts.
Also hoping to get our California trip officially booked this weekend! <3 Will be nice to officially have the flights booked and the date therefore confirmed. Pumped.
Here's to enjoy this nice day, and the warmer weather that will be here this weekend =)
J
Thursday 25 April 2013
The search for drive
I wish I could wake up in the morning and not feel exhausted. Not even necessarily a physical exhaustion, just an all over one - giving me no desire to get up and do what I know I need to do. I can lay there thinking "I should get up now"... but it doesn't make me get up any quicker. I rarely feel that sense of urgency. It makes me wonder whether I'm lazy sometimes, but at the same time I know it all has to do with my myriad of stress disorders that I suffer from. Oddly enough, when I was out home for Easter weekend, I woke up naturally every morning when I could have slept in, and felt completely content.
Maybe it isn't so much exhaustion as drained.
I'm dreading how tired I'm going to be tomorrow morning. Working again tonight, which I enjoy, but I know I'm going to suffer for it tomorrow morning.
I was so excited the past two days to have two nights off, but in the end I ended up doing nothing really. First night I caught up on some laundry. And not really doing anything, or going anywhere, just adds to me feeling drained and sad.
I wonder sometimes if I've hurt myself by always doing too much at once. I don't know how to relax. I worked throughout high school and university. I wonder what it feels like to not have the necessity of work, bills, etc in the back of your mind? Especially where I over-worry and over-think everything. My only memory of it is a few stress free moments that I can remember from being a teenager and hanging out down the road. Sure, I know I had worries, but not that seem as encompassing as when I often put myself through now.
I really hope this isn't coming off as whiney. I just need to vent and try to work things out in my head.
I think seeing everyone posting their good marks at university yesterday got me down as well. I only did okay in University - I could have done awesome - but I had absolutely no drive to push. Why? I only had one semester where I was really driven (I had decided to switch from Commerce to Business and would be done in one year, so I was excited). That semester I did great - got a 3.75 or 3.8 GPA - and I still didn't push myself as hard as I could, but I had that drive to so well. I knew I could do it, and I enjoyed it. But sure enough, next semester (Winter to boot) I feel victim to the winter blues, and life in general, and lost all my drive again. Reverted back to normal, and got mediocre to average marks, as per usual. I don't really understand it.
I feel as if I've never come across something that I've been driven to succeed in, to put in that extra effort, save for that one semester. I could be much better at piano that I am and was, but have no real drive to be. I could have had better marks in university, but I had no drive to do so. I could be a better employee at work, but I feel like the life is sucked out of me there. I guess that means I haven't found anything yet worth the effort - but I sometimes wonder if I never will, and if it is just me. Failing.
This connects to me being afraid that I'll never find that thing(e.g., job/career) that makes me happy, that I find fulfilling, and that I am good at. Everything I've done up to this point since my degree I have not enjoyed, and have an overbearing fear of failure - but it doesn't push me to succeed, but instead to feel hopeless.
Hurray for a pile of negativity in the morning. Hopefully getting this out there now will allow me to not focus on all of this today.
J
Maybe it isn't so much exhaustion as drained.
I'm dreading how tired I'm going to be tomorrow morning. Working again tonight, which I enjoy, but I know I'm going to suffer for it tomorrow morning.
I was so excited the past two days to have two nights off, but in the end I ended up doing nothing really. First night I caught up on some laundry. And not really doing anything, or going anywhere, just adds to me feeling drained and sad.
I wonder sometimes if I've hurt myself by always doing too much at once. I don't know how to relax. I worked throughout high school and university. I wonder what it feels like to not have the necessity of work, bills, etc in the back of your mind? Especially where I over-worry and over-think everything. My only memory of it is a few stress free moments that I can remember from being a teenager and hanging out down the road. Sure, I know I had worries, but not that seem as encompassing as when I often put myself through now.
I really hope this isn't coming off as whiney. I just need to vent and try to work things out in my head.
I think seeing everyone posting their good marks at university yesterday got me down as well. I only did okay in University - I could have done awesome - but I had absolutely no drive to push. Why? I only had one semester where I was really driven (I had decided to switch from Commerce to Business and would be done in one year, so I was excited). That semester I did great - got a 3.75 or 3.8 GPA - and I still didn't push myself as hard as I could, but I had that drive to so well. I knew I could do it, and I enjoyed it. But sure enough, next semester (Winter to boot) I feel victim to the winter blues, and life in general, and lost all my drive again. Reverted back to normal, and got mediocre to average marks, as per usual. I don't really understand it.
I feel as if I've never come across something that I've been driven to succeed in, to put in that extra effort, save for that one semester. I could be much better at piano that I am and was, but have no real drive to be. I could have had better marks in university, but I had no drive to do so. I could be a better employee at work, but I feel like the life is sucked out of me there. I guess that means I haven't found anything yet worth the effort - but I sometimes wonder if I never will, and if it is just me. Failing.
This connects to me being afraid that I'll never find that thing(e.g., job/career) that makes me happy, that I find fulfilling, and that I am good at. Everything I've done up to this point since my degree I have not enjoyed, and have an overbearing fear of failure - but it doesn't push me to succeed, but instead to feel hopeless.
Hurray for a pile of negativity in the morning. Hopefully getting this out there now will allow me to not focus on all of this today.
J
Wednesday 24 April 2013
April 24/12
I really don't know what to be writing here, nor who will eventually read it, but I think an outlet like this is good for me. I really need to start journal-ling again but I'm usually too busy, too lazy, or procrastinate from doing it. I'll run over things in my mind that I know I should write about, but I don't do it. Which completely loses the therapeutic effect of writing as it just stays bottled up in my mind. Sometimes I don't really know how I feel abut something, but words seem to manifest as I write.
I apologize if you are reading this and it doesn't really have a defined structure.
Things going on lately:
Started a Part Time job with McDonald's again. I am enjoying it so far. I missed working on the floor, so I enjoy interacting with people again. The store is small, which takes some adjusting, and tinkers with my OCD in ways, but I feel like I'm handling it well. I'm certainly going to enjoy the extra money on pay day to help increase out cash flow. Only potential thing I see going wrong from this, is me being super tired from working long days on the days I work during the week. I've only done 4 shifts so far and I'm already finding myself more tired in the nights and mornings, and harder to get up. I had made a good effort for a few days to get up earlier, with my first alarm - but after a combination of 4 long days last week plus early mornings, plus a long day and early morning on Sunday, I've gotten back to snoozing. Which is bad, as I end up being late for my day job.
Day job is alright. I don't really enjoy it. Not that there is anything wrong with the job or duties itself, it is just not something I enjoy and I feel like I am getting pigeonholed into a career path that I do not enjoy. I feel like the longer I'm doing what I'm doing, the harder it is going to be for me to get into a career that I want. I sincerely feel that fresh Business graduates, with no experience, look more employable than me with my majority of administrative experience. But who knows.
I don't really know what I want to be doing, but I know it is not this. I'm interested in pursuing sales - but getting a job is the problem. I've also considered going back to university to do Primary/Elementary education, but course offerings are not cooperating with me finishing the prerequisites in time to start next year. So even if I want to do it, it looks like I wouldn't be able to until Spring 2015. Which by then, I'd ideally not like to be going to school, as I would like to be more settled and having a family. But again, things usually don't go as planned.
In positive news, we are planning a trip to California for two weeks this winter. Holiday and visiting family. I am super excited. I hope to do some things that are outside my comfort zone on the trip. Go on a roller coaster for the first time, maybe skydive?, cliff jump? Due to my discontent with a lot of things going on now, I feel like doing things like that would give me some exhilaration and a feeling of freedom and pure in the "moment-ness" that I long for. I know I am my own worst enemy in terms of stress as I over think everything and am rarely able to fully live in the now as I am thinking about the past and future all at the same time.
My heart is a little heavy this week. My close friends will know why - I don't know if I'm ready to disclose that here. But injustices that have been dealt are weighing heavy on my heart and I'm not sure exactly what to do at this moment. What the next step to trying to change things should be.
This is much longer than anticipated.
I apologize if you are reading this and it doesn't really have a defined structure.
Things going on lately:
Started a Part Time job with McDonald's again. I am enjoying it so far. I missed working on the floor, so I enjoy interacting with people again. The store is small, which takes some adjusting, and tinkers with my OCD in ways, but I feel like I'm handling it well. I'm certainly going to enjoy the extra money on pay day to help increase out cash flow. Only potential thing I see going wrong from this, is me being super tired from working long days on the days I work during the week. I've only done 4 shifts so far and I'm already finding myself more tired in the nights and mornings, and harder to get up. I had made a good effort for a few days to get up earlier, with my first alarm - but after a combination of 4 long days last week plus early mornings, plus a long day and early morning on Sunday, I've gotten back to snoozing. Which is bad, as I end up being late for my day job.
Day job is alright. I don't really enjoy it. Not that there is anything wrong with the job or duties itself, it is just not something I enjoy and I feel like I am getting pigeonholed into a career path that I do not enjoy. I feel like the longer I'm doing what I'm doing, the harder it is going to be for me to get into a career that I want. I sincerely feel that fresh Business graduates, with no experience, look more employable than me with my majority of administrative experience. But who knows.
I don't really know what I want to be doing, but I know it is not this. I'm interested in pursuing sales - but getting a job is the problem. I've also considered going back to university to do Primary/Elementary education, but course offerings are not cooperating with me finishing the prerequisites in time to start next year. So even if I want to do it, it looks like I wouldn't be able to until Spring 2015. Which by then, I'd ideally not like to be going to school, as I would like to be more settled and having a family. But again, things usually don't go as planned.
In positive news, we are planning a trip to California for two weeks this winter. Holiday and visiting family. I am super excited. I hope to do some things that are outside my comfort zone on the trip. Go on a roller coaster for the first time, maybe skydive?, cliff jump? Due to my discontent with a lot of things going on now, I feel like doing things like that would give me some exhilaration and a feeling of freedom and pure in the "moment-ness" that I long for. I know I am my own worst enemy in terms of stress as I over think everything and am rarely able to fully live in the now as I am thinking about the past and future all at the same time.
My heart is a little heavy this week. My close friends will know why - I don't know if I'm ready to disclose that here. But injustices that have been dealt are weighing heavy on my heart and I'm not sure exactly what to do at this moment. What the next step to trying to change things should be.
This is much longer than anticipated.
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