I wish I could wake up in the morning and not feel exhausted. Not even necessarily a physical exhaustion, just an all over one - giving me no desire to get up and do what I know I need to do. I can lay there thinking "I should get up now"... but it doesn't make me get up any quicker. I rarely feel that sense of urgency. It makes me wonder whether I'm lazy sometimes, but at the same time I know it all has to do with my myriad of stress disorders that I suffer from. Oddly enough, when I was out home for Easter weekend, I woke up naturally every morning when I could have slept in, and felt completely content.
Maybe it isn't so much exhaustion as drained.
I'm dreading how tired I'm going to be tomorrow morning. Working again tonight, which I enjoy, but I know I'm going to suffer for it tomorrow morning.
I was so excited the past two days to have two nights off, but in the end I ended up doing nothing really. First night I caught up on some laundry. And not really doing anything, or going anywhere, just adds to me feeling drained and sad.
I wonder sometimes if I've hurt myself by always doing too much at once. I don't know how to relax. I worked throughout high school and university. I wonder what it feels like to not have the necessity of work, bills, etc in the back of your mind? Especially where I over-worry and over-think everything. My only memory of it is a few stress free moments that I can remember from being a teenager and hanging out down the road. Sure, I know I had worries, but not that seem as encompassing as when I often put myself through now.
I really hope this isn't coming off as whiney. I just need to vent and try to work things out in my head.
I think seeing everyone posting their good marks at university yesterday got me down as well. I only did okay in University - I could have done awesome - but I had absolutely no drive to push. Why? I only had one semester where I was really driven (I had decided to switch from Commerce to Business and would be done in one year, so I was excited). That semester I did great - got a 3.75 or 3.8 GPA - and I still didn't push myself as hard as I could, but I had that drive to so well. I knew I could do it, and I enjoyed it. But sure enough, next semester (Winter to boot) I feel victim to the winter blues, and life in general, and lost all my drive again. Reverted back to normal, and got mediocre to average marks, as per usual. I don't really understand it.
I feel as if I've never come across something that I've been driven to succeed in, to put in that extra effort, save for that one semester. I could be much better at piano that I am and was, but have no real drive to be. I could have had better marks in university, but I had no drive to do so. I could be a better employee at work, but I feel like the life is sucked out of me there. I guess that means I haven't found anything yet worth the effort - but I sometimes wonder if I never will, and if it is just me. Failing.
This connects to me being afraid that I'll never find that thing(e.g., job/career) that makes me happy, that I find fulfilling, and that I am good at. Everything I've done up to this point since my degree I have not enjoyed, and have an overbearing fear of failure - but it doesn't push me to succeed, but instead to feel hopeless.
Hurray for a pile of negativity in the morning. Hopefully getting this out there now will allow me to not focus on all of this today.
J
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