Sleepy this morning. Bed was so comfy, I did not want to get up. Not so bad now. I am off until Friday for the pt job except for a meeting tonight at 7pm for an hour, which is nice. Some time to relax, catch up on few things that need to be done around the house, and go to Costco for groceries. Seriously lacking a lot of the essentials. And can finally watch GoT tonight!!
Hubby is bbqing steak for supper which will be nice, and he made soup last night so I have some here with me for dinner. Yay real food. We also have soup ordered this week, which we will get on Monday. mmmm Chicken Chowder.
Not much to say today so far. I'm just blah and drained and looking forward to a few evenings off. Some of that is emotional drainage as I'm just not thinking of much of anything today, just waiting to go home at the end of the day.
Was planning on going out the bay this weekend, but I think we are staying in now to hang with some friends. I think I'm going to have to ask for a Friday off some time so I can enjoy a full weekend off. hopefully my May 24 weekend schedule is not too bad.
Tuesday 30 April 2013
Monday 29 April 2013
Emminent Failure?
I sometimes worry that because of my OCD, I'm never going to be able to fully succeed and handle anything in life. It has gotten so bad that no part of my life is left unaffected. It definitely affects and affected me school and career wise. Would I have picked a different career if I wasn't afraid of certain things? Would I be able to do certain jobs if I wasn't afraid? Would I preform better at what I do? My OCD/fears have always held me back from doing certain things.
I also want to have kids... will I be able to handle it with my OCD? How will I manage when they're toddlers / young kids, etc and are getting into everything, playing, etc.
I feel trapped and like I am going to fail. I know I could try harder to resist my OCD obsessions, but it is hard, and I just feel hopeless. I'm too influenced by the fact that I should not have these problems. I know everyone has issues, and you can't just let them beat you, but still. It's hard. It hurts. It doesn't make it fair.
I also want to have kids... will I be able to handle it with my OCD? How will I manage when they're toddlers / young kids, etc and are getting into everything, playing, etc.
I feel trapped and like I am going to fail. I know I could try harder to resist my OCD obsessions, but it is hard, and I just feel hopeless. I'm too influenced by the fact that I should not have these problems. I know everyone has issues, and you can't just let them beat you, but still. It's hard. It hurts. It doesn't make it fair.
Tired today. not too bad, but residual tiredness. I was in bed before 9pm last night I was so tired - I was even willing to miss Game of Thrones... that bad. Unfortunately I won't be able to watch it until Tuesday because I'm working again tonight. I slept pretty well, but I had difficulty getting to sleep, despite being tired.
Part Time job is going well. Yesterday at lunch was super busy, but it calmed down later on. I shall particularily enjoy this pay day on Thursday.
Broke glass for the second time in the past week. Earlier the week I broke a drinking glass in our bedroom, today I broke the base of a cake stand in the porch while trying to bring it in from the car carrying too much. Tripped in the door, resulting in me dropping it. Fail. It is cleaned up, but breaking glass makes me fearful of little shards being missed and it accidentally getting eaten somehow - go OCD go!
Hoping to book our flights for our trip this week, just waiting for options to show up again for the days we want, they were there last week.
Saw my nephew this weekend. God love him. Master crawler, and pulls himself up to standing. he put his little hands on my knees and pushed himself up to standing. Melt my heart.
Hubby's dad was throwing the pressure on for grand kids again. haha. They say they've given up on hubby's sister, so they're at us now. haha I find it amusing. I'm hoping maybe next year - see how we work out financially over the rest of 2013 and what happens for me career wise. My current contract is up in October, so I have no idea what is going to happen. I could switch to full-time at my PT job, but cash flow would decrease substantially. So we will see what happens. Who knows, maybe the courses I need to go back to school will, by some rare miracle, all be offered this fall and at times I could take them. Then I could be back in school next May. So we'll see what happens.
One thing I definitely do not like about working two jobs during the week is that I don't eat properly. Sunday shift won't always be as bad, but going to work, right after getting home prevents me from getting good supper. We also haven't been preparing our meals as much. I thoroughly enjoyed cooked meals this weekend out the bay.
Part Time job is going well. Yesterday at lunch was super busy, but it calmed down later on. I shall particularily enjoy this pay day on Thursday.
Broke glass for the second time in the past week. Earlier the week I broke a drinking glass in our bedroom, today I broke the base of a cake stand in the porch while trying to bring it in from the car carrying too much. Tripped in the door, resulting in me dropping it. Fail. It is cleaned up, but breaking glass makes me fearful of little shards being missed and it accidentally getting eaten somehow - go OCD go!
Hoping to book our flights for our trip this week, just waiting for options to show up again for the days we want, they were there last week.
Saw my nephew this weekend. God love him. Master crawler, and pulls himself up to standing. he put his little hands on my knees and pushed himself up to standing. Melt my heart.
Hubby's dad was throwing the pressure on for grand kids again. haha. They say they've given up on hubby's sister, so they're at us now. haha I find it amusing. I'm hoping maybe next year - see how we work out financially over the rest of 2013 and what happens for me career wise. My current contract is up in October, so I have no idea what is going to happen. I could switch to full-time at my PT job, but cash flow would decrease substantially. So we will see what happens. Who knows, maybe the courses I need to go back to school will, by some rare miracle, all be offered this fall and at times I could take them. Then I could be back in school next May. So we'll see what happens.
One thing I definitely do not like about working two jobs during the week is that I don't eat properly. Sunday shift won't always be as bad, but going to work, right after getting home prevents me from getting good supper. We also haven't been preparing our meals as much. I thoroughly enjoyed cooked meals this weekend out the bay.
Friday 26 April 2013
Sunny Day
Today is a better day. It is nice out, and not cold. Wearing a skirt without tights for the first time this season. Hopefully there are more days to come.
Friday is a day that all my worries are less important as it signals the weekend. And this weekend we are going home out the bay =) Getting my new tires on tomorrow, Elegant Evening Dinner & Auction at church in Coley's Point Saturday night, and we have a cake ordered for Saturday for our 8 year dating anniversary which is Sunday. I'm working 11-7pm on Sunday, but I'm going to try to fully enjoy the weekend up to that point and not dwell on the fact that we'll need to get up early to drive back to Paradise.
I was really tired again this morning, then ended up being late to work. I felt real bad. I need to start getting up earlier again. I know the extra work at the same time as trying to get up early is kind of acting against each other. Hopefully next week brings better efforts.
Also hoping to get our California trip officially booked this weekend! <3 Will be nice to officially have the flights booked and the date therefore confirmed. Pumped.
Here's to enjoy this nice day, and the warmer weather that will be here this weekend =)
J
Friday is a day that all my worries are less important as it signals the weekend. And this weekend we are going home out the bay =) Getting my new tires on tomorrow, Elegant Evening Dinner & Auction at church in Coley's Point Saturday night, and we have a cake ordered for Saturday for our 8 year dating anniversary which is Sunday. I'm working 11-7pm on Sunday, but I'm going to try to fully enjoy the weekend up to that point and not dwell on the fact that we'll need to get up early to drive back to Paradise.
I was really tired again this morning, then ended up being late to work. I felt real bad. I need to start getting up earlier again. I know the extra work at the same time as trying to get up early is kind of acting against each other. Hopefully next week brings better efforts.
Also hoping to get our California trip officially booked this weekend! <3 Will be nice to officially have the flights booked and the date therefore confirmed. Pumped.
Here's to enjoy this nice day, and the warmer weather that will be here this weekend =)
J
Thursday 25 April 2013
The search for drive
I wish I could wake up in the morning and not feel exhausted. Not even necessarily a physical exhaustion, just an all over one - giving me no desire to get up and do what I know I need to do. I can lay there thinking "I should get up now"... but it doesn't make me get up any quicker. I rarely feel that sense of urgency. It makes me wonder whether I'm lazy sometimes, but at the same time I know it all has to do with my myriad of stress disorders that I suffer from. Oddly enough, when I was out home for Easter weekend, I woke up naturally every morning when I could have slept in, and felt completely content.
Maybe it isn't so much exhaustion as drained.
I'm dreading how tired I'm going to be tomorrow morning. Working again tonight, which I enjoy, but I know I'm going to suffer for it tomorrow morning.
I was so excited the past two days to have two nights off, but in the end I ended up doing nothing really. First night I caught up on some laundry. And not really doing anything, or going anywhere, just adds to me feeling drained and sad.
I wonder sometimes if I've hurt myself by always doing too much at once. I don't know how to relax. I worked throughout high school and university. I wonder what it feels like to not have the necessity of work, bills, etc in the back of your mind? Especially where I over-worry and over-think everything. My only memory of it is a few stress free moments that I can remember from being a teenager and hanging out down the road. Sure, I know I had worries, but not that seem as encompassing as when I often put myself through now.
I really hope this isn't coming off as whiney. I just need to vent and try to work things out in my head.
I think seeing everyone posting their good marks at university yesterday got me down as well. I only did okay in University - I could have done awesome - but I had absolutely no drive to push. Why? I only had one semester where I was really driven (I had decided to switch from Commerce to Business and would be done in one year, so I was excited). That semester I did great - got a 3.75 or 3.8 GPA - and I still didn't push myself as hard as I could, but I had that drive to so well. I knew I could do it, and I enjoyed it. But sure enough, next semester (Winter to boot) I feel victim to the winter blues, and life in general, and lost all my drive again. Reverted back to normal, and got mediocre to average marks, as per usual. I don't really understand it.
I feel as if I've never come across something that I've been driven to succeed in, to put in that extra effort, save for that one semester. I could be much better at piano that I am and was, but have no real drive to be. I could have had better marks in university, but I had no drive to do so. I could be a better employee at work, but I feel like the life is sucked out of me there. I guess that means I haven't found anything yet worth the effort - but I sometimes wonder if I never will, and if it is just me. Failing.
This connects to me being afraid that I'll never find that thing(e.g., job/career) that makes me happy, that I find fulfilling, and that I am good at. Everything I've done up to this point since my degree I have not enjoyed, and have an overbearing fear of failure - but it doesn't push me to succeed, but instead to feel hopeless.
Hurray for a pile of negativity in the morning. Hopefully getting this out there now will allow me to not focus on all of this today.
J
Maybe it isn't so much exhaustion as drained.
I'm dreading how tired I'm going to be tomorrow morning. Working again tonight, which I enjoy, but I know I'm going to suffer for it tomorrow morning.
I was so excited the past two days to have two nights off, but in the end I ended up doing nothing really. First night I caught up on some laundry. And not really doing anything, or going anywhere, just adds to me feeling drained and sad.
I wonder sometimes if I've hurt myself by always doing too much at once. I don't know how to relax. I worked throughout high school and university. I wonder what it feels like to not have the necessity of work, bills, etc in the back of your mind? Especially where I over-worry and over-think everything. My only memory of it is a few stress free moments that I can remember from being a teenager and hanging out down the road. Sure, I know I had worries, but not that seem as encompassing as when I often put myself through now.
I really hope this isn't coming off as whiney. I just need to vent and try to work things out in my head.
I think seeing everyone posting their good marks at university yesterday got me down as well. I only did okay in University - I could have done awesome - but I had absolutely no drive to push. Why? I only had one semester where I was really driven (I had decided to switch from Commerce to Business and would be done in one year, so I was excited). That semester I did great - got a 3.75 or 3.8 GPA - and I still didn't push myself as hard as I could, but I had that drive to so well. I knew I could do it, and I enjoyed it. But sure enough, next semester (Winter to boot) I feel victim to the winter blues, and life in general, and lost all my drive again. Reverted back to normal, and got mediocre to average marks, as per usual. I don't really understand it.
I feel as if I've never come across something that I've been driven to succeed in, to put in that extra effort, save for that one semester. I could be much better at piano that I am and was, but have no real drive to be. I could have had better marks in university, but I had no drive to do so. I could be a better employee at work, but I feel like the life is sucked out of me there. I guess that means I haven't found anything yet worth the effort - but I sometimes wonder if I never will, and if it is just me. Failing.
This connects to me being afraid that I'll never find that thing(e.g., job/career) that makes me happy, that I find fulfilling, and that I am good at. Everything I've done up to this point since my degree I have not enjoyed, and have an overbearing fear of failure - but it doesn't push me to succeed, but instead to feel hopeless.
Hurray for a pile of negativity in the morning. Hopefully getting this out there now will allow me to not focus on all of this today.
J
Wednesday 24 April 2013
April 24/12
I really don't know what to be writing here, nor who will eventually read it, but I think an outlet like this is good for me. I really need to start journal-ling again but I'm usually too busy, too lazy, or procrastinate from doing it. I'll run over things in my mind that I know I should write about, but I don't do it. Which completely loses the therapeutic effect of writing as it just stays bottled up in my mind. Sometimes I don't really know how I feel abut something, but words seem to manifest as I write.
I apologize if you are reading this and it doesn't really have a defined structure.
Things going on lately:
Started a Part Time job with McDonald's again. I am enjoying it so far. I missed working on the floor, so I enjoy interacting with people again. The store is small, which takes some adjusting, and tinkers with my OCD in ways, but I feel like I'm handling it well. I'm certainly going to enjoy the extra money on pay day to help increase out cash flow. Only potential thing I see going wrong from this, is me being super tired from working long days on the days I work during the week. I've only done 4 shifts so far and I'm already finding myself more tired in the nights and mornings, and harder to get up. I had made a good effort for a few days to get up earlier, with my first alarm - but after a combination of 4 long days last week plus early mornings, plus a long day and early morning on Sunday, I've gotten back to snoozing. Which is bad, as I end up being late for my day job.
Day job is alright. I don't really enjoy it. Not that there is anything wrong with the job or duties itself, it is just not something I enjoy and I feel like I am getting pigeonholed into a career path that I do not enjoy. I feel like the longer I'm doing what I'm doing, the harder it is going to be for me to get into a career that I want. I sincerely feel that fresh Business graduates, with no experience, look more employable than me with my majority of administrative experience. But who knows.
I don't really know what I want to be doing, but I know it is not this. I'm interested in pursuing sales - but getting a job is the problem. I've also considered going back to university to do Primary/Elementary education, but course offerings are not cooperating with me finishing the prerequisites in time to start next year. So even if I want to do it, it looks like I wouldn't be able to until Spring 2015. Which by then, I'd ideally not like to be going to school, as I would like to be more settled and having a family. But again, things usually don't go as planned.
In positive news, we are planning a trip to California for two weeks this winter. Holiday and visiting family. I am super excited. I hope to do some things that are outside my comfort zone on the trip. Go on a roller coaster for the first time, maybe skydive?, cliff jump? Due to my discontent with a lot of things going on now, I feel like doing things like that would give me some exhilaration and a feeling of freedom and pure in the "moment-ness" that I long for. I know I am my own worst enemy in terms of stress as I over think everything and am rarely able to fully live in the now as I am thinking about the past and future all at the same time.
My heart is a little heavy this week. My close friends will know why - I don't know if I'm ready to disclose that here. But injustices that have been dealt are weighing heavy on my heart and I'm not sure exactly what to do at this moment. What the next step to trying to change things should be.
This is much longer than anticipated.
I apologize if you are reading this and it doesn't really have a defined structure.
Things going on lately:
Started a Part Time job with McDonald's again. I am enjoying it so far. I missed working on the floor, so I enjoy interacting with people again. The store is small, which takes some adjusting, and tinkers with my OCD in ways, but I feel like I'm handling it well. I'm certainly going to enjoy the extra money on pay day to help increase out cash flow. Only potential thing I see going wrong from this, is me being super tired from working long days on the days I work during the week. I've only done 4 shifts so far and I'm already finding myself more tired in the nights and mornings, and harder to get up. I had made a good effort for a few days to get up earlier, with my first alarm - but after a combination of 4 long days last week plus early mornings, plus a long day and early morning on Sunday, I've gotten back to snoozing. Which is bad, as I end up being late for my day job.
Day job is alright. I don't really enjoy it. Not that there is anything wrong with the job or duties itself, it is just not something I enjoy and I feel like I am getting pigeonholed into a career path that I do not enjoy. I feel like the longer I'm doing what I'm doing, the harder it is going to be for me to get into a career that I want. I sincerely feel that fresh Business graduates, with no experience, look more employable than me with my majority of administrative experience. But who knows.
I don't really know what I want to be doing, but I know it is not this. I'm interested in pursuing sales - but getting a job is the problem. I've also considered going back to university to do Primary/Elementary education, but course offerings are not cooperating with me finishing the prerequisites in time to start next year. So even if I want to do it, it looks like I wouldn't be able to until Spring 2015. Which by then, I'd ideally not like to be going to school, as I would like to be more settled and having a family. But again, things usually don't go as planned.
In positive news, we are planning a trip to California for two weeks this winter. Holiday and visiting family. I am super excited. I hope to do some things that are outside my comfort zone on the trip. Go on a roller coaster for the first time, maybe skydive?, cliff jump? Due to my discontent with a lot of things going on now, I feel like doing things like that would give me some exhilaration and a feeling of freedom and pure in the "moment-ness" that I long for. I know I am my own worst enemy in terms of stress as I over think everything and am rarely able to fully live in the now as I am thinking about the past and future all at the same time.
My heart is a little heavy this week. My close friends will know why - I don't know if I'm ready to disclose that here. But injustices that have been dealt are weighing heavy on my heart and I'm not sure exactly what to do at this moment. What the next step to trying to change things should be.
This is much longer than anticipated.
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