Yesterday

Yesterday was the second annual Miles for Smiles walk raising awareness of child abuse. Despite the lack of media coverage and presence, from what I experienced, have seen, and read, it was a success.

I didn't stay too late at the walk myself, partially because the whole day causes me some emotional turmoil still. The whole day is inspirational, but I still can't help but feel lost and defeated when I reflect on my own experiences. I'm envious sometimes of the success that other survivors have had. This is not to diminish the hurt, pain, and struggles they've faced, I just hope that someday I'll be a success like them.

I invited some friends and people I know to the walk, and took that opportunity to share with some people that I am a survivor of child abuse. Initially sending that text to the 20 or so people I sent it to was heartening and uplifting. I was sharing with people, and some more close friends now were aware that I had endured abuse in my childhood. I was hoping this would open the doors for me to share more with those close to me, helping my healing process. Hopefully this will happen. 

The sad thing, is I only had 3 people even respond to my invite. One to ask more information; another to apologize that they couldn't make it, but asked if there was some other way they could support me; and a third today to ask me how the walk went. That was it. Out of over 20 people, only three people graced me with a response. I know the subject is uncomfortable to people, and I know people sometimes don't know what to say, and this may be why people don't respond. I know if someone sent me a message to me like that I would not know what to say, but I'd say something. Even a "wow I didn't know". I know from my own experience now that I would respond, because that response is important. Silence is worse than any harm that you could think your words could do.

I felt very alone yesterday. My husband was unable to attend due to being sick, so it was just me and our puppy. I saw some familiar friendly faces, but I still felt alone. Alone, dis-attached, and hurt. Hurt from the abuse I suffered, and hurt from how alone I felt. The rest of the day was spent emotionally numb, and still today. I feel like I'm at the edge of one of these "emotional breaks" I sometimes experience for no apparent reason. The crying sucks, but being able to actually feel your feelings is comforting, even amongst the pain and sadness.

I see my therapist tomorrow and that day cannot come soon enough. Today I half feel dead. I'm just numb and raw.